


Not interested

by Altavista



Category: AM - Fandom, Alex Turner - Fandom, Arctic Monkeys, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, Teasing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-26 14:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15002858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Altavista/pseuds/Altavista
Summary: Just one more typical, stereotypical, full of clichés story about a writer girl who meets Alex Turner.





	1. Chapter 1

A late cold February evening somehow made me feel anxious. А full silver moon was rising in the inky sky and there was no sign of distant and indifferent stars. But I wasn't interested.

In a noisy and dimly lit bar, it was impossible to care about moon and stars. There was a smoky and relaxed atmosphere accompanied by melodic sounds of saxophone which I was, as usual, a part of.

Like any other evening for the past few months, I was sitting at the bar drinking some random liquid which was shimmering through the glass in the dim lights. I didn't know what it was. To be honest, I didn't care. I just wanted to rest a little.

It wasn't like something bad happened or I was exhausted as hell. No, it was just one of the times when you don't really want to care about the inky sky and the absence of stars. With no reason and explanation, you feel extremely bored with yourself.

As a writer, I didn't feel like that often. With all the life plans to write a masterpiece, I was usually too busy to be bored. I've been sending my manuscripts to numerous publishings and getting them back with comment "Good, but not enough" for a year. I felt myself like Jack London's Martin Eden repeating the same routine every day. The road from my typewriter to the post office was almost native.

But lately, something completely changed. I haven't written a word for two months and I had no idea why. I just didn't feel like that and it made me feel strange. Was it a creative crisis? I didn't know and this evening wasn't the one to find out.

'One more glass, Lil?' suddenly asked barmen making me jump on my spot. His voice scattered my thoughts and I didn't like it much.

'Yes, please, Jack' I answered dispassionately. God, what a typical name for a barman, I thought. I was looking at his almost perfect features while he was making me a cocktail and suddenly felt an annoying ache in my head. J-a-c-k. I spelt his name in my thoughts and found every letter of it tasteless. Oh, just like he was.

'So, what about a new book? What is it about?' Jack gave me a full of interest look which I hated. There is just one simple rule in this world: don't tell too much about your life some random barman if you like the bar. There is a huge possibility that you'll come back and he will ask you a lot of questions.

'There will be no book' I said feeling tired. 'As my old friend likes to say, it's time to forget about it'

'But why?' he asked with confusion on his almost perfect face. That made me laugh somehow. It's always funny to see good-looking people being confused.

'I just don't want to write anymore, isn't it obvious?' I answered with annoyance and Jack's emerald shiny eyes went out. I didn't want to sound so rude and I heard an echo of guilt in my ears almost immediately. But this time I had no urge to feel sorry about it.

He was about to say something but I just didn't feel like it. I took a glass in my hand and made my way to the nearest empty table. I wanted to feel something else than itchy boredom which was following me.

Suddenly someone stumbled on me and a cocktail in my hand fell on the floor turning into a pile of broken glass. What a pity it would be if I cared about it.

But it was a social habit to start drama and I was just like everyone else that evening. I got ready to face a culprit of an incident with that annoying look of disgust but when I looked at his guilty eyes I couldn't say a word.

A tall and quite handsome guy was standing in front of me. A big word "sorry" was painted on his face 'cause he was a man who is usually called "a good guy". The one who is always funny enough and kind. The one who is a good adviser and friend. He was a typical minor character who is usually better than main ones and always underestimated. I saw it in his grey milky eyes and understood that it was a beginning of something. I didn't know was it good or bad, I just felt it.

'I'm really sorry for it' he said softly, almost whispered with a small smile on his face. His casual clothes and inviting features made a good effect on me and I couldn't explain it.

'Oh, it's OK. I was inattentive' I was surprised by the way I said it. Awkwardness coloured my tone and I felt myself strangely. It was impossible to be mad at him.

'No, no, it was my fault. Let me apologise by buying another cocktail for you' he uttered imploringly.

'Okeyyy' I smiled stretching the word. I wasn't in a good mood but Matt was and it was enough.

The situation was typical, like in cliché movies but I couldn't help it. Something was different that night so I decided to see what can happen. 'I'm Matt, by the way' he spoke again. This time a huge smile painted his face.

'Lili' I answered friendly. I didn't know why I wanted to be friendly with him. Maybe it was just an instinct.

'Nice to meet you, Lili. Would you mind joining me and my friend at our table? He can be really annoying sometimes so I thought maybe you can help me to spend this evening in a good company?' it was too direct and fast offer for people who met a few minutes ago but there was something about Matt that made me agree. 'Oh, and I'll buy you a cocktail, I promise' he winked and I laughed.

'Only if you promise' I said casually and felt how an annoying headache left my head. Thank God. Matt was attractive and I couldn't deny it.

The dimly light of the bar was hiding a slim figure at the table near the window. Matt has mentioned that it was his old and good friend which was quite typical for the situation. Just like I said, I always knew how those scenarios were arranged. Simple and predictable.

The man was looking at the inky sky through the misted glass of the window and I wondered if he was looking for missing stars. Nowadays, nobody really cares about stars but what if he did? Moments passed but almost a million thoughts about the stars and the stranger appeared in my head. I pulled a hem of my flared black dress to get rid of it, but it didn't help much.

'Alex, look who I've found accidentally. It's Lili. Finally, there is someone who can save me from your annoyance' smiled Matt teasing his friend. I turned my head to face the stranger and froze on my spot. On the floor, near the table, what felt like an entire universe.

He was a guy from vintage cards I often dreamt of in a vinyl record store listening to Frank Sinatra. His Elvis-like haircut was a thing to talk about for hours while the white vintage T-shirt and dark denim jeans were just an addition to his smugly smirk and handsome features. His anthracite eyes were dangerous and inviting. They didn't know what the word "shame" meant and it felt like it wasn't necessary. He wasn't burdened with any clichés and it was the best about him.

Alex was good, even more than that and I was weak. I was weak because he was observing me with interest and I felt myself looking for his glance. He hasn't even said anything yet but I already knew one thing: one word of his and everything would change.

'Lili' Alex broke an almost eternal silence with his deep melodic voice like it was a thin glass between us. It made my name taste like a strawberry marmalade on his deceiving lips. Soft and sweet, covering my back with ticklish goosebumps. 'Interesting' he licked his lower lip saying it, stretching all the letters like a mint gum.

I wanted to compare Alex's words to millions of things but it was impossible to think properly. His unusual essence was spreading all over the bar and there was no place to hide.

'Nice to meet you' I said briefly. My eyes finally found his dark ones and it was just a beginning of duel of our glances.

'Yeah, me too' answered Alex with some sarcasm which I didn't expect to hear in his voice. 'We won't shake hands, right?' the question was a jeer. 'You see, every time I do it with pretty girls, it ends very bad' his eyes flashed and I felt it running through my milky skin.

'So what's different this time?' I asked him loudly and defiantly like I wanted to show Alex that I am brave enough to resist him. His eyes were laughing at me, though.

'This time I'm not interested' a mocking smile painted his lips. It felt like this phrase slapped me in the face. "Not interested". It's not like I wanted to be one of those "pretty girls" but... I couldn't explain why it offended me. I've been standing near the table for few minutes but he's already made me feel good and bad at the same time.

'Alex, stop it' said Matt and I caught myself forgetting about his presence. 'Lili, sit down, please. This guy likes being like this but he is not bad'

'Who said it to you?' laughed Alex as I sat down on a chair next to the small round table. 'I am bad as hell' his eyes misted looking at me and I felt extremely uncomfortable.

'Oh, yeah' Matt rolled his eyes with annoyance. 'Anyway, Lili, what do you do for a living?'

'I am a writer, kind of' I answered with a small and unconfident smile. I pulled the hem of my dress again and it wasn't left unnoticed by Alex. He smirked looking on my bare legs. It was too cold for a dress today but I didn't care.

'Really?' Matt smiled. It was pleasing to see him smiling. Alex wasn't smiling, he was smirking and it wasn't pleasing. No, it was just extremely attracting. 'Alex is also a writer' I snorted with a surprise. No way.

'I am a songwriter. It's different' Alex stated pretending to be offended. 'I've seen a lot of writers. And none of them was good' he said looking in my honey eyes.

'You think, I am bad at writing?' I raised my eyebrow. That was a provocative question but I wanted him to react. I wanted to feel his emotions, I wanted him to be interested.

'Oh, definitely' Alex licked his lips refusing to break our eye contact.

There was no Matt, no chairs and no table, no bar. Just two of us and duel of our words and glances. His voice was teasing but soft like marshmallow and I swear, I was almost addicted.

'You don't know me' I stated.

'I don't have to' he answered. 'I see it in your eyes'

'What about them?' it felt like a tasty fight. With all of sweetness and bitterness.

'They are too honey and sweet. It's boring' he snorted mockingly. 'I am tired of sweet glances'

'Oh, I am sure, I'll get over it somehow' sarcasm painted my voice and I was pleased with that.

'Oh, no, dear. We both know, you won't' Alex smirked smugly and I almost hated that handsome features of his. Why was he right?

'Guys, guys, easy' laughed Matt kindly. I didn't even look at him. Damn Alex and his vintage appearance. 'Let's just have a drink'

'It could be lovely but it's not' answered Alex with a fake bored smile standing up from his spot. 'I have something more interesting today' he said carelessly.

'Oh, as usual,' muttered Matt.

'So, good luck' almost indulgently said Alex looking at me. His look fell on the hem of my black flared dress which I was trying to cover my bare legs with and his smugly smirk imprinted on my skin. 'Lili' added he tasting every letter with his inviting tongue. I was speechless.

And he didn't need my answer. He nodded slightly in Matt's direction and putting on his black leather jacket disappeared somewhere in a drunk crowd of a dimly lit bar. A moment later only a trace of Alex's cologne was left as a reminder of his presence.

'Is he always like this?' I asked Matt as a moment passed trying to hide emotions Alex evoked in me.

'Oh, Lili. I never know what he is like' sighed Matt and it was the last time when we mentioned Alex in our conversation that day. What cannot be said about my thoughts.

I didn't know If I'll meet him ever again but something inside me wanted it more than anything. There was no way that such an interesting beginning of a plot was the end at the same time.

Alex was an unknown planet and I wanted to be an astronaut to explore him. He was a book and I wanted to know every word of his. He was a dangerous temptation, no doubts, but, recollecting the way he was saying my name that evening, I felt a burning desire to succumb to it.

Naturally, all of that required another chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

I felt extremely strange after that night. My mind was full of thoughts and it wasn’t because of Matt. Of course, meeting him was a great thing but having a weird conversation with his cocky friend was more intriguing.

I was thinking about Alex a lot that days. His deep voice, smugly smirks and handsome features. The young Elvis has been stuck in 60’s wearing his leather jacket and old boots, writing his songs and saying teasing phrases to someone like me. And that was more than unusual. He was a fresh air in my monotonous life and I wanted to breathe him.

Sitting on a chair in a public library on a cold February day felt habitually but this time it was too difficult to concentrate on a book. I picked some science fiction, as usual, and maybe that was a mistake. I felt differently thinking about Alex and needed something else to distract me.

I have to admit it felt like he rented an apartment in my head and moved into it. I wondered what he found more interesting than our conversation that evening. Was it a girl or just a trick to intrigue everybody? He seemed to be too good at leaving questions with no answers.

Looking from a library window on a busy street I felt a desire to see Alex, know where he was and what was doing. What if he was somewhere near? God, what a cliché to think about a guy while watching people walking on the streets. I sighed. That was stupid, in my opinion.

I stood up from my spot and went to the rows of book stacks. I didn’t feel like reading today thanks to Alex but I just liked an atmosphere. Going through the rows I was slowly touching the spines of the books with my fingertips feeling an anticipation of something. Something very wrong but interesting as hell.

It was freezing outside but so cosy and empty here, in the library, which let me recollect the evening in the bar easily. My strawberry marmalade name on Alex’s lips. That was hard to forget but I didn’t have a chance to taste his name. Was it sweet? Bitter? Or none of that? Uh, too many thoughts, too much. I shook my head to get rid of it.

The dust was flying in the air and it could only be seen on the light of the window. I still haven’t written a word but how could I? It was impossible to think about finishing the book after meeting someone like Alex. So, I was in some kind of wait state wanting my fate to do something and it wasn’t necessary to persuade her long.

Feeling dreamy I turned around and wanted to return to my spot but something at the other end of the raw, near the window, caught my eye. Or should I say, someone?

A slim figure was standing not far away from me holding a book in its hands. Looking attentively, I froze in my spot. It’s funny sometimes to see your thoughts in reality.

Nobody else but Alex was standing and reading a book looking extremely good in his usual vintage look. His dark eyes were locked on a content of the book and all of his handsome features were serious. The daylight of the window was trying to penetrate through his space-like unusual figure but that was an impossible thing to do. Anthracite locks of his hair were unnaturally perfect.

I was wondering why he was here. In my favourite library of all the places in the city. I wasn’t a nerd but as a writer I loved books and this calm and lonely atmosphere let me write here usually. But him? That was even more intriguing than our first meeting.

‘You are bad at spying, aren’t you?’ a familiar deep voice of his caught me off guard. Alex didn’t even look up at me continuing reading but a smug smirk touched his lips. I felt myself weak again not knowing what to say.

'I wasn’t spying’ I finally stated. What a foolish mistake to lie him. Stupidly.

'Yeah’ he muttered pleased with my feeble attempts to look serious as hell. 'You’ve been watching me for ten minutes now.’ Alex suddenly stopped his activity and placed a book on its spot facing me. I felt nervous.

'It’s only because I was confused what you are doing here’ I tried to sound confidently but it was too hard with his spring night-sky eyes on me. His glance was cold and warm at the same time like he was attracting and repelling me at once.

'Me?’ Alex faked his surprised smile masterfully. 'Just searching for a shocker in a public library. Isn’t it obvious?’ he asked playfully making a fool of me.

'I thought you were more like magazines kind of guy. Too glossy for libraries’ now it was my turn to smirk.

'Oh, yeah, you are right. I am “too” for everything’ he snorted. 'For libraries, for magazines and…’ he stopped giving me a long smug look and I noticed two tiny universes in his almost black eyes. 'And you’

I pulled a hem of my floral green dress like it was a bad habit of mine. He got me nervous to move and speak as well as breath and exist. Too good for me? All right, young Elvis. It was a challenge. This time he threw a glove and I took it.

'Maybe there is just one “too” about you?’ I asked trying to sound indifferent. 'Too self-confident’.

With all these words we were playing a game. Something sly and unpredictable like chess. I believed that I made insidious moves but he was a way better player.

'But you like it’ he almost sang it. This phrase was made of his essence. Temptation, audacity, dream and no shame. Like an early spring warmness. So deceiving.

'No, I don’t’

'What a lie’ smiled Alex making a few steps towards me. His fingertips were touching the same spines of books as I’d nearly ten minutes before. I shivered with a thought of his touch. He was making a very dangerous move coming closer to me. 'You were so offended when I said that I was not interested’ Alex stopped nearly a metre away from me and I could smell a classic cologne of his. It was a cold February morning mixed with a smell of old books and black coffee with one spoon of sugar. Again a mistake to notice it.

'It’s a past sentence’ I said feeling like I finally caught him. His anthracite hair seemed soft on the daylight of the window and it was quiet around us. I couldn’t help but followed a tiny speck that landed on Alex’s cheekbone with my gaze.

His teasing smirk almost burnt me through and his dark eyes giggled. It felt like he needed only one moment and it would be a lose of mine.

'You are right, dear’ he answered softly leaning to my ear. A hot mint breath imprinted on the skin of my neck like his smirk in a bar. 'But talking about the present I am still not interested and you are still offended. Besides, you are too bad at hiding it’ no promises in his tone, no indulgence. Just a jeer and a pleased smile on my inconsistent breathing in addition.

He pulled away as fast as he leaned to me. Still, the tension between us could be cut with a knife like a fruit jelly.

'Don’t call me “dear” ’ I answered with an annoyance coloured my tone.

'Oh, I will 'cause I want to’ Alex said acting bored. 'I can do it 'cause we don’t owe each other anything. It’s just a random conversation between us but you act too serious on it. And that’s boring as hell’ he raised his eyebrows and I felt a lose of mine in all its beauty. He didn’t need my word to understand what I felt in that exact moment. 'You can keep your answer, dear’ Alex emphasised the word “dear” to tease me. 'I don’t need that’ with these words he walked around me so I had to turn around to face him. His intention was to go and I wanted Alex to stay. I didn’t know why but I wanted.

'Stop pulling the hem of your dress, Lili’ a silky voice melted my name on his tongue like a hot milk chocolate. Every time it was different and similar at once when he called me simply “Lili”.

'Why does it bother you?’ I smiled feeling strange 'cause he noticed it. His smirk painted the room in teasing soft colours.

'It’s like your bare legs in a bar on a freezing evening’ Alex made a few steps back going away. 'Not a cliché but still extremely annoying’ his chuckle filled the library with the essence of his and my mind misted for a second. All I heard were sounds of knocking boots and he was already gone.

Damn world. Sometimes you meet a guy like Alex in your favourite library and don’t know what to do with it. Is it a dream or simply a fiction? Is there a blood in his veins or he is not a human at all?

I sighed deeply already missing our weird conversation. Alex had a strange effect on me and it probably wasn’t a good sign.

I smiled going to my reading spot. It’s funny how inspired you feel sometimes after a senseless talk. Or is it not about talk at all? But a person?

My phone buzzed on the table near the window scattering my thoughts and I looked on a screen. Four simple white letters formed a name of a caller “Matt”. What an irony, I thought. Alex was here nearly five minutes ago and now there was Matt calling on the phone.

'Hello’ I answered in a friendly way.

'Lili! It’s nice to hear you again’ Matt said and I could almost see an inviting smile of his. 'What’s up?’

'I guess, everything is right. Typical and all’ I rolled my eyes at myself. What an interesting answer, yeah.

'So, maybe it’s time for you to have fun a little’ he proposed intriguingly.

'Any suggestions?’

'Yeah, actually. There will be a nice party at my friend’s house tomorrow evening. He is an artist so his house is like a museum. I am sure you’ll like it. Besides, I really enjoyed our time in a bar and I thought it would be cool to meet up again’ his suggestion was interesting even though I wasn’t a party lover. I needed new emotions and maybe even friends. Matt wasn’t a bad choice.

'OK, I think it’s a pretty good idea. The only problem is that I’ll be stranger there’

'Don’t worry, you’ll like my friends. They are really nice and open people’ Matt stated. 'Moreover, there should be Alex as well and you already know him’ I shivered recollecting Alex’s smug smirk in my mind. That was pleasant somehow.

'Yeah, a little’ I almost whispered.

'So, see you tomorrow?’ Matt was giving me a risky invitation and had no idea about it.

'See you’ I smiled hanging up the phone. That was probably a very bad idea but who cared? I was fed up with right decisions.

My eyes travelled to a busy street in the window. I noticed people waiting for a green traffic signal and wondered how they felt that day. What would they say meeting Alex? I bet that he was a creep. And they would be right, you know.

It was the end of February but it felt like it was plenty of time before March. Spring was like the green traffic signal on the crossroads. You knew that it would appear sooner or later but waiting felt like infinity.

This February with all those people on the crossroads I was waiting for a signal to move. Move, breath and feel. I wondered was it spring that could bring me to life or a certain someone who was looking for a shocker in a public library?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, any thoughts on it?


	3. Chapter 3

I was looking forward to the party evening, I admit. It’s silly to lie ‘cause there was no way I could deny the fact that I wanted to see Alex. He was the main thing on my mind all these days even though I’ve vainly tried to distract myself.

That was stupid, right. I’ve read too many books with similar scenarios and I didn’t want to be one of those stereotypes. But, unfortunately, I was.

It’s one of those things that you don’t really choose for yourself. You know, it’s always so exciting at the beginning. First glances, first touches, first hopes even though everything that happens next leads to nothing, but the deflation of dreams. Simple, yet a little sad.

But I couldn’t help my feelings and there I was standing at the front door of a huge weirdly shaped modern-style house feeling nervous as hell. There were a lot of people who were sitting on the white minimalist coaches or standing with wine glasses in their hands and talking. Something from the 50s was playing in the house unobtrusively being mellifluous at the same time.

I wondered if I got in another time. Some weird mix of past decades and far future. The atmosphere was so minimalist, calm and white with so much space that I felt myself complicated compared with that simplicity around.

It was a cold February evening so the lights were on and I could see all the big house almost perfectly. All the first floor was like one huge room with a bunch of corners and niches. I wondered if it was comfortable to live here. Being a little bit of a loner I’ve always preferred my small but cosy apartment.

I was observing the house when I spot Matt who was talking to some people waving at me. I waved back awkwardly and made my way to him trying to find one more familiar figure. But luckily or unfortunately there was no sign of it.

'Lili, I’m really glad you came’ Matt’s genuine smile spread across his face when I reached him. I couldn’t keep mine and smiled back.

'You invited so I came’ I answered in a low voice like some pathos phrase from Tarantino movies. Matt laughed kindly.

'I like your mood today’ he said. 'By the way, meet Jules. He is the host of the party, a great artist and an interesting person at the same time’ Matt pointed playfully on the tall silver-haired man in a colourful shirt beside him.

'Yeah, but that’s not all about me’ the man said laughing and giving me his hand for a handshake. His green bright eyes and attracting features were saying that he had an open and creative personality which I liked at first sight. 'My pleasure, Lili’ Jules nodded shaking my hand 'I’ll prevent your question and answer. Yes, my hair is silver and yes, I dyed it 'cause it fits me. I am an artist for God’s sake’ his eyes giggled at me and I heard Matt laughing.

'How did you know I was going to ask that?’ I smiled again with a look of curiosity on my face. The conversation was so smooth and relaxing somehow.

'Oh, believe me. I have an experience’ Jules answered with a fake annoyance in his voice. 'So, Lili. With my friend here we were discussing last century’s artists and there was Edward Hopper on our minds. We both agreed that he was one of the best of his time and style. Do you agree with it?’ it was so casual for them to discuss that kind of things that I caught myself a little lost.

'Oh yeah, I mean with his urban and rural scenes Hopper had his own vision of American life’ I finally stated seeing pleased looks on both faces of my interlocutors.

'Oh, I like it’ Jules admitted. Matt nodded with a usual inviting smile on his lips. 'Take a glass of wine and let’s see what else you know’ my new silver-haired friend handed me a glass of white semisweet whine and there was no way we could stop our conversation.

I was really enjoying the evening. We were discussing old-fashioned clothes, 90’s movies, music, artists and books. Jules, Matt and their friends were different kind of people from the ones I used to know. What else to say? I was a nerd in those things and I liked being in this atmosphere. The only thing that refused to leave my mind was Alex.

I didn’t want to ask Matt but from time to time I was looking at people around hoping to find him. I didn’t even know why I wanted to see him. Maybe it was just because the perfect painting of this evening seemed unfinished without his smug and vintage colours.

I almost lost my hope and accepted Alex’s absence when all of a sudden he appeared.

I was standing with my back to him but I didn’t need to turn my head to know that he came. When he entered the building I almost felt it. I had an impression that his presence changed an atmosphere around. It felt like the air became heavier, the light dimmed and the voices sounded distantly. Or was it just me?

I turned my head slightly not wanting to be caught by his dark glance. With a corner of my eye, I could see him entering the room.

He went down a couple of stairs from the front door to the living room area lazily with an unreadable look on his face. His hair was perfect, his eyes were bored. His boots were knocking every time he was making a step and it was understandable that Alex wasn’t the one who could give promises. Black jeans, a simple button-up shirt and the usual leather jacket. It was like he even didn’t have to try hard to look extremely attractive.

Alex greeted a few people at the party passing by as if it was nothing. A shade of smile on his handsome features but nothing else. I was trying to catch all his movements as if they were unreal, illusory, just a product of my imagination. A night dream that you try to remember.

Jules and Matt were talking to me but I couldn’t catch what they were saying answering simple “yeah” or “right”. I lost the topic when Alex entered the room and now, when he was here, it was impossible to think of something else.

I missed the moment when he stopped near some woman giving her a playful smirk. I couldn’t see her face but her blonde-gold hair and a gorgeous figure in a silk maroon dress were telling me she was a beauty. They were talking and I could see his pleased expression that made me feel really strange. I guess it was a scene where I had to see him charming someone else. It wasn’t like I was jealous or something but I had that annoying question spinning in my head “Who was she for him?”

And I knew I should probably stop staring but I just couldn’t look away. So, when Alex leaned to say something in a woman’s ear our eyes met.

The usual smug smirk painted his face and something unfamiliar flashed in his inky deep pupils. We were far from each other but the distance made no difference 'cause his glance was like a charge of electricity spreading around the house.

I froze on my spot feeling exposed in front of him. It was only between us that we were sharing glances and everybody at this party had no idea about it, even that Venus-like woman near him. However, I felt ashamed like he undressed me for everyone to see.

We were having a moment of a duel when it felt like we both were holding weapons but he was the one who could make an accurate shot. And he did.

Alex leaned closer to the woman’s ear and whispered to her something looking directly into my honey eyes. His lips were moving painfully slow as if he was torturing me, showing how easy it was to get me nervous. He wanted me to look and I could almost feel his hot mint breath on my neck like he was standing near me and saying that words only for me. It was the game where I lost at the beginning and we both knew it.

I saw it when the woman giggled and I caught a glimpse of a cherry lipstick on her full lips. I was wondering if he’d ever kissed them.

Alex smiled at the blonde beauty but his eyes were still laughing at me. Even when he fluently kissed her almost porcelain cheek moving away it was a mock.

I couldn’t handle it anymore so I broke our eye contact feeling a slight relief without his intense glance on me. I turned my head to Matt and Jules again to concentrate a little 'cause my thoughts were a complete mess at that moment.

He caught me staring at him. Shame. I lost this duel so easily and he didn’t even do anything special. Just locked his unreal dark eyes with mine like it was a touch.

'Hey, Alex, nice to see you, man’ I got rid of my thoughts quickly when I heard Jules speaking. I looked up and saw Alex standing nearly two metres away from me greeting Matt and Jules. A disaster, I thought. 'It’s been a while’

'Yeah, I have a lot of things going now’ Alex grunted thoughtfully and his cheekbones sharpened a little.

'Then you’re a missing a lot of interesting stuff’ Jules’s eyebrows raised in a funny way to add some drama effect in his words. 'We had had a very important discussion before you came with Matt and Lili’

'Oh, right, Lili’ Alex pronounced my name sweetly but slyly enough to catch a slight bitterness in his cream voice and finally his glance found mine again. A cheeky smirk was dancing a twist on his lips while all of his facial features were acting like he noticed me only a second ago. Why was it so easy for him?

'I see, you know each other’ stated Jules.

'Not even a little’ Alex laughed and I decided that I hated his laugh no matter how melodically it sounded.

'Even though we had a pretty good time talking, I wouldn’t mind dancing. I hear Sinatra playing’ Matt suggested.

'Yeah, you are right, my friend. Artists can wait. They are dead and we are alive so don’t waste a minute’ Jules said excitedly. 'I’ll go and change the record for “Strangers in the night” and then we’ll dance, dance, dance!’ he smiled with his unusual essence open in front of us and disappeared somewhere in a blink of an eye.

'So, Alex, Lili has no partner today and I’ve already promised Alice to dance with her’ Matt frowned looking at Alex like a dad at his child. Oh, no, I thought.

'And how can I help?’ Alex answered with annoyance in his voice pretending that he didn’t get the hint.

'I don’t know. Maybe, invite her?’ a sarcasm saturated Matt.

'No, Matt, don’t persuade him. I’m sure Alex is not so good at dancing and I could find a way better partner’ I spoke with a slight tease in my voice before Alex could answer. It was childish but Matt laughed and I felt an exciting feeling in my chest. So, how about that, Alex?

'Well played’ Alex smirked with a mocking look on his face. 'But you’re lying to yourself, dear’ his voice turned into a smooth hazelnut cream with this sentence. 'We both know that you want to dance only with me’ I felt my heart racing for a second but that was only because of the sounds of “Strangers in the night” spreading across the room. Or at least, that’s what I told myself.

Alex left his leather jacket on the couch, turned around and made his way to the huge empty area that had to be the dancefloor or something. That could be guessed only thanks to people who stood up from their spots and left wineglasses bored only to do one thing: dance.

'Are you coming or not? I won’t be waiting too long’ Alex called me almost seriously but the mock didn’t escape his lips.

'I am sure it won’t be a tragedy if you leave’ what a blatant lie. He knew it and I knew it. But there was no other way to answer. You know, it’s harmful to show your real emotions on a cold February night.

Alex didn’t say anything 'cause a moment later we were standing inches away from each other. He offered me a hand and I hold my breath for a second. Why was it such a big deal just to take somebody’s hand and dance? Why was I so afraid that when I’d touch him he would disappear? Everything was real and I refused to admit that.

But then my hand gently brushed his and I shivered finally feeling him. His touch was poisonous and addictive, soft, but a little cold at the same time like a first winter snow.

Alex put his arm around my waist and I put my other hand on his shoulder just like in movies: slow and deceiving. It felt so naturally still a little bitter 'cause he has probably held hundreds of girls like this.

'Polka dot dress, Mary Jane shoes. Why so obvious?’ an inviting and deceiving paint coloured his tone. His smile was charming but I didn’t want to think about it.

'Golden neat curls, cherry sweet lips. Why so obvious?’ I gave his mock back daringly. With his anthracite eyes on me, I was trying to make a good move.

Alex grinned at me. The word exchange was good, no doubts.

'But she is good, right?’ he said playfully provoking me. The smell of his cologne was addictive like coffee for me. I even couldn’t sleep at night because of it. 'Or you didn’t notice being too busy looking in my eyes?’

'Yes, she is’ I admitted with no hesitation ignoring his second question. I decided that I should resist him even though it was in vain. 'You’ve already broken her heart, have you?’

'Oh, no, darling’ he smiled softly and sweetly as if I was a foolish child. But then he leaned extremely close to me. 'But I should probably break yours’ Alex whispered with his breath dangerously close to my parted lips.

Insane. At that moment I could see individual constellations in his eyes-universes. So close, so mind-blowingly close. I wondered if my pastel and trembling colours melted in his dark and teasing ones.

'So, that’s the reason we are dancing now?’

'No, of course, no. There is no reason. We just dance and that’s all’ his eyebrows raised in a casual way like he was explaining me something simple as hell and I realised that his facial expressions were my favourite 'cause they weren’t fake at all.

We were slowly dancing not even thinking about movements like it was something we have done before for millions of times. Frank Sinatra’s “Strangers In The Night’ enveloped us giving me a feeling of illusion.

Touching him, drawing some patterns with my fingers on his shoulder and moving with him in one rhythm was toxic. But at least, everything was simple. He wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. We were just dancing being that strangers in the night. Strangers for each other, strangers for everyone and even for ourselves. Was there a love? Oh, no. Too soon for it 'cause it was plenty of time before spring.

We were silent for some eternal minutes what felt like hours. I looked at Alex and his thoughtful glance and hold my breath trying to remember the moment. What if we never dance like this again?

'See, I am a marvellous dancer. You even stopped breathing’ oh, no, he noticed.

'Nah, I was definitely right about you. I’ve had a way better partners’ I smiled widely at him because I wanted. I just wanted to say this foolish phrase that wasn’t even true and smile.

'No, you haven’t’ he stated smugly.

Catching me off guard Alex spun me around and put his hands on my waist pressing me against his chest. I shivered again but that’s only because of his intense glance on me. Even now, so close to him, I could feel a delicious tease in all his essence and I didn’t want to like it. But I did.

'Now I have to go’ Alex whispered in a deep and satin voice of his. I felt a slight fear realising what he said. A moment later I understood one simple thing: being in his arms was a catastrophe, a disaster, a complete crash but when they left my body in one move of his I felt empty.

Alex took his jacket and put it on without my words. I was standing on the dancefloor while the new record started playing and that was so unfamiliar somehow.

'But you have just come’ I let myself a weakness to say that quietly even though it was a foolish mistake. Don’t blame me, his presence was like a drug.

'You want me to stay?’ Alex smirked. He was standing a few metres away but comparing to his touch it felt like a mile.

'Hell, no’ I answered seriously. I did wanted to act indifferent. Stupidity.

'You are very bad at lying but that’s OK’ Alex said it with a usual tease in his voice and I didn’t know anymore if it was a truth or just a way to make a fool of me. 'Have a good evening, Lili’ he said with a silk voice of his like it was the most usual thing in this world and turned around to the front door.

I will never get used to the way he pronounces my name. So soft, melodically, just a little sweet stretching all the letters, tasting them. It was like he knew how much it affected me.

'Is that some pathos thing of yours to leave in the middle of everything?’ I threw a phrase in his back sarcastically. Couldn’t resist.

I heard Alex chuckling and he gave me a soft but sly look over his shoulder.

'No, it’s just because I’m only interested in culminations, darling. And for today it’s over’ he pronounced smirking and I almost wanted to go with him. Almost.

Alex didn’t wait for my answer and I noticed that it was some weird habit of ours: for him to say the last phrase and for me to keep silence. He just walked to the front door and opened it sending one last meaningless glance to me. The door slammed too loudly and I wondered if he had even been here.

Alex was as usually gone and I was there, on the dancefloor, alone like at the beginning of the evening. Such an irony, you know.

I was listening to Sinatra playing, watching people swaying to the beat of the music slowly, magically, as if I was looking at it through the movie screen and it seemed to me that I was infected. Infected with some unreal disease and there was no treatment for it. I even decided that it was a fatal disease for more drama and you know what? I didn’t mind it.

It’s just life sometimes is so ordinary that you even want to get ill only in a case to feel something. And here he is, your fatal disease, that brings you insomnia and other symptoms that scare you but at the same time you are finally feeling alive and isn’t it the most important thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new chapter, guys! I hope that you liked it. Please, leave your opinion on it so I know. Huge thanks:3  
> P.S. I was listening to “Batphone” too much and everybody thinks I am crazy. What’s your favourite song from the new album?


	4. Chapter 4

“I’ve already said to you that we won’t publish your novel” a middle-aged woman in front of me snorted adjusting her huge round glasses which reminded me of car lights flashing at the night streets. They were shimmering at me illuminated by the street lamp outside the window as a warning to go away but I wasn’t done yet.

The woman found her paperwork more interesting than me and I felt an irritation spilling inside. It was quiet in the evening publishing and I could hear the clock ticking too loudly as well as the rustling of papers. It wasn’t the first time I was here and it wasn’t the first time I was refused.

‘Why?’ I asked patiently trying to keep myself calm. Every time something was wrong and it felt like a chronic disease.

'Because there is no feeling in it’ she answered casually not even looking away from the papers.

'But you haven’t even read that!’ I yelled forgetting to control my emotions for a moment. Her normal tone annoyed me.

Refusals of publishers were becoming an awful routine of mine and today it was the time when I’ve finally burst out.

'I don’t need it, darling!’ the woman yelled back sarcastically. Her eyes narrowed looking at me as if she was ready to attack me like a panther. 'I’ve been here for too long to not understand what is worth reader’s attention and what is not’ she pronounced every word loudly and harshly making me flinch. 'I’ve read two pages of it and it was enough to understand that all you got is a form but no feeling. All of your manuscripts are fine but I simply don’t feel it. And if I don’t feel it, I don’t publish it’ the phrase sounded like a verdict. 'So listen to me’ she pronounced pointing her finger at me. 'Next time when you’ll bring something like this for me to publish, I’ll burn it. You’d better try not to’ she finally stated returning to her normal facial expression as if a moment ago she wasn’t yelling at me.

'Fine!’ I almost spat out this phrase in her face turning around and slammed the door of a cabinet only to hear her chuckling at my childish and dramatic behaviour. It was stupid to react like this but at that moment I was too angry at myself to be calm.

I went out on a cold dark evening street feeling sick as hell. I stopped and exhaled deeply like I didn’t have any air in my lungs at all. The strong February frost burned my throat but I didn’t care. I was exhausted.

I haven’t written a single word since fall and this last novel of mine was refused again. That were all the news about my “wonderful” writer career for now.

'No feeling, right’ I stated annoyingly copying the woman’s words. The manuscript of the refused novel in my hands disgusted me so I threw it in the trash can dramatically. That’s where all my manuscripts should be.

I was overreacting, sure, but it was one of those days when you just wanted to act like this, show all your feelings. Besides, I had to admit that I was tired of failures despite my attempts to stay positive.

Feeling upset and angry at myself, I exhaled one more time looking at my manuscript in the trash can for longer than necessary playing that part where the main character leaves everything behind and starts a new life and went down the road.

Who was I kidding? I had a few copies of the novel at home and I surely didn’t want to throw it. It’s just 'cause it’s yours, a part of you, no matter how bad it is.

I was walking not feeling a cold of the evening. My coat was unbuttoned, my hair was fluttering in the wind and I was smelling February in the air. The city was looking at me with thousands of its eyes-lights but I just wanted to hide. The thoughts were spinning in my head obsessively.

The image of Alex popped into my head almost like a habit. It was somehow impossible not to think about him while walking on the dark evening street. The atmosphere around was conducive to this so I recollected words from our first meeting in my head easily. He said that I was definitely a bad writer so maybe he was right? Even though it was understandable for me now, the thought of him being right felt bitterly somehow.

I wondered where he was. The events of that night at Jule’s house refused to give me rest in the night. That’s why my white sheets were so crumpled.

I bet that he was proud of himself seeing my hopeless figure in front of him. Exposed, too emotional and predictable. My glance was like a book page that night and Alex was a perfect reader.

I felt tiredness filling me and I didn’t even notice how my feet led me to the bar. I guess that was another boring evening where I was trying to rest forgetting about everything. Novels, publishers and even thoughts about Alex.

'A glass of red wine, please’ I told bartender who was standing with his back to me and sat behind the bar. I wasn’t trying to get drunk but my head was heavy of thoughts and I couldn’t help it.

'As usual?’ the bartender turned around and I saw the familiar bright smile of Jack on his almost perfect features. Oh, no, it was the same bar. How didn’t I even notice?

'Yeah, thanks, Jack’ I answered tiredly feeling annoyance under his emerald gaze. I didn’t want to talk.

'What’s wrong this time?’ Jack asked smiling and I wondered where he got his inexhaustible optimism 'cause I would probably buy one.

'How about everything?’ I snorted taking a sip of wine feeling a relieving heat inside of my body.

Maybe I sounded rude that’s why Jack didn’t answer me. A slight worry appeared on his face but I was not in the mood to care.

The dim lights of the bar were calming and careless as if there were no such thing as unlucky writers or manuscripts with “no feeling”. It felt like another planet where people didn’t have problems at all. Only good drinks, jazz music and talks in a whisper. Why couldn’t I be like them?

'Well, well, well’ a soft satin voice sounded somewhere near me and I shivered feeling a slight nervousness with a thought of him standing next to me. I didn’t have to guess who it was. It was impossible not to recognise. 'Who do I spot here? Miss best writer of all times?’ a teasing sarcasm painted his tone and I raised my head only to meet Alex’s observing glance on me. Dark misted eyes and a cocky smirk. Who else could it be?

'And who do I spot here? Mr best heartbreaker of all times?’ I snapped back looking directly in Alex’s face feeling that his mock actually touched me. Why exactly today?

'You know what is your problem?“ he smirked sitting behind the bar near me. Not close enough, though. 'When I say "Miss best writer” it’s a sarcasm that’s why you are offended. And when you say “Mr best heartbreaker” it’s the truth that’s why I am flattered’ his smug grin was spreading across the bar touching my milky skin. Alex had a special ability to fill everything around him with his attractive mysterious essence.

'Are you aware that “Heartbreaker” is not a compliment?’ I answered caustically trying to resist the smell of his already familiar cologne. Alex’s eyes were unreadable but I could feel the tease easily.

'Why not?’ he asked acting like he didn’t get it. His eyebrows raised making him look innocent like there was no darkness in him as well as an impudent grin. 'It’s a hard work, for your information’ Alex laughed sarcastically making me shiver again. My eyes travelled to his hand on a bar stand dangerously close to mine and he noticed it. The chuckle was the best evidence.

'Oh, poor you’ I said with a fake sympathy. His eyes flashed and I wondered how bad it was to wish him touching me. But no, that was completely wrong. I had to stop it so I smiled unnaturally and put money on the bar stand to mark my intention to go. Alex didn’t make any move but I saw how he licked his lips smugly. Of course, I was predictable. 'Bye, Jack’ I threw this phrase looking in Alex’s eyes waiting for him to do something but he remained untouched. Unlike me.

I knew that going away was the best way not to see him leaving. That’s why I just turned around feeling worse than I had been before and went outside. That’s how it works. Firstly, you do something and then feel sorry no matter if it was a good or bad decision.

I stopped near the bar to catch a taxi 'cause I wasn’t in a mood to wander. I didn’t want to think about Alex and our small conversation. I needed to stop feeling so nervous so I could do something with that annoying feeling in my chest around him. What did he even do here this exact evening?

'That’s fun when you go away in this pathos way of yours when a few days ago you blamed me for it’ I looked back only to see Alex’s smirking figure beside me. Why did he follow me? 'A little harsher than usual. What’s wrong?’ he added more seriously when I didn’t answer. In a moment young Elvis got a cigarette and a lighter out of his pocket. His intonation was unfamiliar.

'Like you care’ I answered indifferently as if I didn’t want his company. How naive it was.

'I don’t’ Alex answered simply lighting a cigarette between his long marble fingers. I could believe him.

'Then why do you ask?’

'I just do what you expect me to’ he said giving me a side sly glance. A deceiving smile on his lips and a burning cigarette in his hand - the heartbreaker’s features. An unsure expression on my face and a bitter glance in my honey eyes - the unlucky writer’s features. How different we seemed to be on this empty street.

He made a small puff and the white smoke started to envelop his dark vintage figure, mesmerising me with its strange, dizzying attraction. Alex was a piece of art under the cold starry inky sky and I was just an observer. Like an astronaut who watches the Moon through the spaceship round porthole I had an illusion that I was so close to him. However, I could touch his image, but not him.

'So?’ Alex raised his eyebrow casually. The snowy smoke of his cigarette started its own dance up in the February sky disappearing somewhere above the buildings, leaving the sense of incompleteness.

'It’s all because of writing thing’ I sighed not giving up my tries to catch a taxi. It was useless with Alex in a distance of a few steps near me, though.

'What about that?’ he asked acting unamused with my answer. I felt a desire to tell him everything even though it probably meant a shame or a mock from him. It was strange how silent I wanted to be with Jack nearly ten minutes ago.

'All of my novels were refused and I haven’t written anything since fall’ I looked at him from under my eyelashes unsure of his reaction. 'I was at publishing today’ I muttered.

'What did they say to you?’ Alex snorted exhaling the smoke and looked at me squinted as if he was trying to find something new in me.

'There is no feeling’ I made the woman’s voice almost venomously. I wasn’t so mad anymore, though.

'Of course’ I heard Alex laughing suddenly. The silver echo of his voice rode lonely through the street. 'There can’t be one’

'Why?’ I asked not understanding why it was so obvious to him.

'Because you don’t understand what you feel yourself’ Alex stated casually like we were discussing something simple as hell and I was like a child who couldn’t get why the sky was blue.

'No, I do’ I tried to argue but his facial expression made my attempts dispel in the wind.

'Really?’ Alex raised one eyebrow of his and made a few steps closer to me. 'Let’s check it’ a sly smile appeared on his face. My breath was heavy somehow when he stopped inches away from my body and I felt my back pressed to the street lamp near the road with lots of cars passing by. I wondered how strange we looked for the drivers. However, I caught myself on a thought that I didn’t care too much. 'What do you feel when I stand so close to you?’ he asked quietly looking in my eyes. The smoke of his cigarette saturated us and all I could think about was his dark features. His breath was tickling my face so I could share the same air with him as if I had a right to do so. 'What exactly pops in your mind now, Miss “bare legs on a cold February night”?’ Alex smirked mockingly and I could see his eyes shine on the light of the car lights on the road. His voice was almost a whisper but loud enough for me to hear its seductive tone.

'Is it fear?’ he asked insistently observing my face with a dare in his glance but I was numb. 'Or nervousness?’ Alex turned his head on one side teasingly. It was overwhelming. 'Oh, maybe, it’s an excitement?’ he asked with his teasing lips and a giggle in his dark eyes. He was laughing at me and I thought how pity it was that he could make me be that small and weak. I felt a lot but I just couldn’t say for sure. 'There are so many words for feelings and you could choose some of it. Right?’ he asked me in a caramel voice of his and I sighed keeping silent.

'See?’ he suddenly stepped back and made another big puff losing my glance. An emptiness filled me. 'You don’t know. And if you don’t know what you feel you can’t write about it. Everything is simple’

'So what am I supposed to do?’ I didn’t argue 'cause he was totally right.

'Maybe, take it easy? You worry too much and that’s so silly’ he made a malcontent grimace and I felt a slight relief. With his burned-out cigarette, my anxiety fell in a form of ashes on the ground. I was still unlucky, still a little upset but somehow with his eyes on me, it was not so important.

Alex threw away the cigarette and looked at me simply, with no subtext as if we were capturing each other on this street. He didn’t promise me anything with this conversation. He just let me have it, remember it and understand one more time that no matter how good I acted he always knew the truth.

'Your taxi’ Alex pointed on a car that stopped near the curb. I didn’t even notice when it arrived. The most important thing was that I didn’t want to leave anymore. Even when I did it was just a lie.

'Wait a minute, please’ I said waving to the driver briefly not even sure what I was going to do. Alex chuckled smugly. 'What are you even doing here this evening?’

'Enjoying February’ he answered casually as if it was obvious. 'I can’t stand spring’ in one move he fixed his already perfect anthracite hair and I wondered what it was like to touch it.

'Why?’

'Why do you always need a reason?’ Alex frowned looking somewhere on the road. Not in an angry way, though. 'Things are how they are and sometimes there is no explanation’ he returned his face to me with a smirk on his deceiving lips. I was looking at Alex unconfidently and it was so strange to talk to him, breathing his air that I couldn’t understand why I wanted it to be eternal.

’Okay’ I answered snorting in a fake annoyance. Alex opened the door of the taxi for me and I stopped before sitting in. He leaned on the door and there was only a thin glass between us. There was no emotion on his face. Only the teasing grin and the smell of the cigarette smoke - that were the only things of his that Alex let me feel at that moment. The freezing wind was blowing in our faces and there were no excuses to stay. Unfortunately.

'Come back home, Lili. Maybe, the next morning you’ll wake up and all your worries will be gone’ he pronounced every word lazily, luring me with infectious moves of his lips. Alex’s eyes were dark like shadows of the evening and I wanted to look away but that was physically impracticable.

'I hope so’ I answered mindlessly and making an effort got in the car. He slammed the door and I told the driver my address. So simply.

Looking at Alex from the taxi window I could see him smirking at me with a mocking expression on his face. I lost one more game admitting to him and myself that I didn’t know what I felt. I guess I had a lot to learn before our next duel.

The car moved but I refused to take my eyes of Alex. He waved at me mockingly standing on the cold February street, remaining my evening tantalizing illusion covered with cigarette smoke and my hesitations. From the distance, I saw his eyes sparkling in the light of the street lamp and in a moment his image has vanished as if he has never existed.

I took my eyes off the window and let myself a small smile. That was wrong, sure, but Alex had something in all his essence that nobody else had. And I knew that he was playing with me and I knew that I was just a big fool but…

I just couldn’t explain. All I had was that strange feeling in my chest. Maybe, that was just one of the symptoms of the disease he infected me with. I didn’t know and I probably never would. Everything about Alex was dangerous as hell. I wasn’t a coward, though.

Turning my head to get rid of my thoughts, I saw the screen of my phone lit up on the seat next to me, where I placed it, and I saw a notification on it. It was said “Matt’s birthday celebration tomorrow” and I remembered how I put it on the reminder when Matt mentioned it at Jule’s party.

So, I guess, I was invited? And the most important question: will Alex be there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! New chapter! I hope that you liked it. Please, leave your opinion on it so I know. Thank you for all your support, comments and likes. I really appreciate it. Love:3
> 
> P.S. The next chapter will be my favourite. Meanwhile, what is your favourite band aside from Arctic Monkeys?


	5. Chapter 5

A late evening was marvellous even though I decided that I didn’t like February at all. I would say that it was mostly because I was in a wait state for spring hoping that when it finally came I would stop being an unlucky writer as well as a hopeless fool. Then maybe, I would write a bestseller and resist Alex.

But that were only dreams. For the beautiful today, I got a freezing winter weather and an invitation to Matt’s birthday which was, unfortunately, just an excuse to see someone else. It’s funny how cynically it sounded but there was no way to avoid the truth.

I felt excited somehow. After our little conversation with Alex near the bar, I was in a positive mood like he was the one who could actually cheer me up not making an effort, just being himself. Thinking about him in a good way was dangerous of me. However, I didn’t have any expectations. I just wanted to see him and it seemed like a satisfaction. The only thing was that everything that came to Alex was never enough and I was, as usual, just lying to myself.

Since I’ve entered Matt’s house, I’ve been convincing myself that I shouldn’t look for Alex in the crowd. But it was really hard to do. This party was an exact opposite of the Jule’s one. The music was loud and I assumed that was a mix of different styles. Every song was from a new genre and I couldn’t catch anything familiar for me. The house was almost dark illuminated by neon lights and there were a bunch of people around. If you asked me, I would consider it as a classical party where nobody cared about nothing and that was the main thing. The attributes of it were an alcohol to drink, dances to dance and talks to forget but I couldn’t complain. All of it was just a background for something bigger and I let myself join it as if it was something inherent for me. It clearly wasn’t, though.

‘Lili, I’ll go greet my friends at the front door. You’ll be OK?’ I heard Matt saying with an attractive open smile as we were standing in the middle of the party chatting. Everything seemed to be normal but I was a little nervous. The lights were dim so I couldn’t see everything properly. Or should I say, everybody?

'Yeah, of course. I’ll have fun by myself’ I smiled back to him with a reassuring expression on my face. Honestly, I didn’t want to be alone at a party where I knew nobody but it was Matt’s party and I didn’t want to be selfish.

Matt nodded with a pleased look and went away leaving me bored. Even though I wanted him to stay with me and continue our talk, I had to admit that it was more like a torture because I couldn’t ask Matt about Alex. Oh, life would be easier, if we just asked each other everything directly.

'Lili, is that you? I am so glad to see you again!’ suddenly I heard someone speaking behind my back and I turned around only to see Jule’s bright eyes and a friendly smile. I laughed at his attempts to hug me as tightly as he could.

'Yeah, I am here. What’s new? How is your recent work?’ I asked with a genuine interest which obviously flattered my silver-haired friend.

'Wonderful. Recently I’ve been really inspired by Van Gogh’s work which adds some post-impressionistic overtones to my paintings and that’s what I am glad about’ Jule’s eyes were sparkling with a mention of his work which really impressed me. I’ve never seen people so in love with what they do.

'Great’ I stated smiling brightly at him. This man had a very interesting personality which let him be one of the best interlocutors that I’ve ever had. 'Then you should also discover more about Monet’s paintings. The impressionists are my favourite’

'No doubts’ he answered nodding at me simply. 'But how about you? I’ve heard you had some problems’ he furrowed his brow in concern looking at me.

'Yeah…’ I opened my mouth to explain everything but the words stuck in my throat when unintentionally my glance travelled behind Jule’s shoulder and found the only one reason that I was nervous today. And the name of the reason was nothing else but “Alex”.

I spotted him when I wasn’t ready at all and the image of him made me completely numb. Alex was not far away from me sitting on the couch near the stairs but it felt like kilometres between us and today it wasn’t just because of my hesitations and his lack of interest. Today his button-up shirt was white and the whiskey in his glass was probably good but the main thing that left a mark on me was one simple thing: he wasn’t alone.

Right, there was a woman. The woman that made me feel unexpectedly bad. You know, they say that there is always someone else. Well, today it wasn’t just a saying.

She was undoubtedly good looking in a simple ebony dress with straps and high classic heels with her red curly hair in a Bob hairstyle. Even though it was dark, I could see her rosy lips and blue sparkling eyes which gave me a sick feeling when Alex put his arm around her waist to tug her closer to his body.

They were talking quietly all by themselves like there was nobody around and I was just standing near Jules with words in my throat unable to move. Wow, what a cliché scene. Why was that so bitter?

'They are good together, aren’t they?’ Jules said with a small smile following my gaze and his voice sounded like he was under the water. Or maybe, I was.

'They are’ I answered with no emotion telling the truth. I saw Alex giving the redhead nymph his best inviting look and an open smile. The genuine expression on his face made me swallow my unsaid words and feel something similar to irritation inside. That feeling saturated me with its wrong essence and I couldn’t get rid of it. Was it a real jealousy that I experienced?

'Who is she?’ I’ve finally managed to ask Jules not even bothering to look at him. Nothing existed. Only me and two of them in a room where was no place for my emotions.

'It’s Janet’ my artist-friend told me with a satisfied grin. Oh, well, even Jules liked her with Alex. With a thought of it, I felt so pitiful that I wanted to escape, forget Alex, Matt, Jules and the evening in the bar when he tasted my name on his lips when I let myself a single thought of him. And I hated myself that I was so affected by the image of him and Janet because I had no right to even stare. I was convincing myself that Alex and I were just strangers but my heart was beating treacherously fast.

That what happens when for a moment you let yourself a weakness to succumb to someone’s charms. Of course, he had someone. He was a handsome man and she was a beautiful woman. Wasn’t it an explanation for everything?

'Excuse me for a moment’ I told Jules with a heavy breath watching Alex playing with the red hair of his companion. I couldn’t see his eyes and I had no idea what I would have done if I met his glance so I had to go, just leave. 'I’ll go and find the bathroom’

Jules raised his dusty eyebrows surprised with a sudden change of my behaviour and wanted to answer something but I couldn’t wait anymore. I escaped.

I was going from the room to the room through the crowds of people with a one simple urge to find a lonely place. Yes, I was affected and I didn’t want to find out what I felt or how people called it. I just wanted to let my head rest without that annoying obsessive thoughts.

So, after some unsuccessful attempts, I’ve finally managed to find an empty room and closed the door behind me turning on the light. A sigh of relief escaped my mouth and I closed my eyes for a second to feel the void inside me and the room. It was quiet there comparing to the rest of the house and the music sounded distant. I didn’t want to think at all.

With an effort, I observed the room. It was small and painted in pastel colours. There was a single slightly open window with no curtains that let the cool air wandering in the room making me shiver. The furniture was simple: two identical peachy armchairs in the middle and a small round table between them. In the corner of the room was a bookcase filled with vinyl records and the vinyl player on the floor near it. A room for music, I would say. Matt obviously loved it.

I let myself choose one of the records and put it on the player. In a moment the sounds of far 50s filled the air. That was all I needed so I sat in one of the armchairs and looked through the window at the night street.

The whole situation seemed a little funny for me now. God, I was at Matt’s birthday party sitting in the empty room listening to Billy Fury’s record and because of what? Because I felt jealous looking at the man who I barely knew with a gorgeous woman? That was a joke, wasn’t it?

I sighed angry at myself for all of the stupid actions. It would be much easier If I could control my emotions. However, it seemed impossible with everything that was connected to Alex.

Suddenly I heard the door closed loudly missing the moment when it was opened. I didn’t even turn my head when I heard a painfully familiar smooth voice behind me. 'You are so classic with all of that old music stuff, aren’t you?’

I hesitated for a second if I wanted to look at him but of course, he didn’t leave me a choice so when I faced Alex he got his space eyes on me. Why did he appear every time when I wanted to be left alone?

'What are you doing here?’ I asked in a harsher tone than I expected. Everything inside of me wanted him to go away and stay at the same time.

'That’s not the best way to say “Hello”’ Alex answered lazily sitting in the armchair next to me with a grin plastered on his face. The atmosphere became heavy around us and I wondered if something was wrong with the atmosphere of the room or an entire planet. It’d better be the second.

'I didn’t think you needed my “Hello”’ I said scathingly noticing that two buttons of his classic white shirt were unbuttoned and it felt like the most natural detail in the room. Did she do it?

'Well, I might have expected it but you were so affected with the image of me with another woman that you stormed out of the room in the blink of an eye’ a satisfied smirk shaped his lips and the room suddenly felt too small for two of us. So, he saw me staring? No, no, no.

'I just couldn’t handle the happiness inside of me for you two’ my voice was sharp and confident but I couldn’t get rid of the nervousness in my chest. Well, he knew it. I bet that Alex probably knew all the components of my nervousness 'cause he was the one to create it. 'Who is she, anyway? Your girlfriend or something?’ I asked with a fake disbelief. Of course, Jules made it clear who she was with a single mention of her name but I just wanted to hear it from him. I wanted to act like I didn’t care. Please, say that I truly didn’t.

’“Something”?’ he smiled slyly making a fool of me.

'I don’t know. A girl for a night or an acquaintance. It’s hard to get it with all of that mysterious personality of a heartbreaker that you have’ I answered with vivid colours of annoyance in my tone.

'Well, then yeah, she is my girlfriend’ Alex stated looking directly in my eyes not losing a smirk. Why was it so funny for him and why did I suddenly feel a need for a drink? A glass of brandy would be OK if you asked.

'So, everything is that serious?’ I didn’t know why I was asking him all of that useless and stupid questions when I saw everything with my own eyes. Maybe, I just wanted to avoid the thought that what he said actually hurt me.

'Oh, serious. I hate that word’ he snorted like a child who didn’t like a soup for a dinner. 'But I have to admit that she is definitely my best lover’ I felt an unpleasant feeling in my stomach with that words. 'She is smart enough and not too funny. Good taste and a huge love to the sunrises. Theodore Dreiser books and a cigarette with tea for an evening. Also, she is obviously beautiful. This time it would be kind of difficult to end everything’ he looked away with a thoughtful expression on his face. I could see the hesitation on his cheeks.

'What do you mean when you say “end everything”?’ I looked at him curiously.

'End the relationship, dear. Don’t be a child’ he muttered with a little tiredness in his tone. His glance was cocky, though.

'If she is so good, then why do you have to end the relationship?’ I couldn’t understand him at all. It felt like something unreal with a sound of record playing and pastel colours of the walls which seemed to be ready to absorb me anytime.

'Because everything ends sooner or later’ Alex closed his eyes sinking in a peachy armchair with both of his marble hands on the armrests. 'She is going to ask me to stay. Firstly, it’s for a night, than for a week, later she will suggest living together, get married and have two wonderful children’ he raised his arm in a dramatic way with a fake smile on his face. 'She’d like to have a big house and the garden in the countryside. Work in the office and fancy dinners with neighbours on Saturdays. And I am not that type of man, Lili’ he pronounced it in the most serious way that I’ve ever heard from him and overtones in his voice gave me an understanding that something important was happening between us in this small room. 'I never stay’ the expressive words of his hit the walls in a form of echo and crumbled at our feet.

There was a moment of silence when we were looking at each other and it felt like there was nothing outside this room. No house, no party, no Janet or Matt. We were just toys in someone’s cardboard house with no roof but with pure emotions. I wondered why he told me this.

'But how can you talk about dumping her when she is just behind the wall?’ I broke the silence not being able to handle the tension in the air.

'Oh, please, don’t act moralistic’ he snorted cynically.

'No, I mean only a half an hour ago you looked so happy together sitting on the couch, exchanging teasing glances and so on’ I mumbled trying not to show him my the unpleasant effect that the image of him and Janet had on me.

'Wow’ a laugh of his danced inside the room and left through the open window. Suddenly, all of his seriousness disappeared. 'Is that a jealousy in your voice that I hear?’ Alex observed me from the head to my toes with a smug grin. His eyes were giggling and there was no doubt that he was enjoying it as much as I hated.

'Maybe, it’s just something that you want to hear’ I answered sarcastically getting up for my spot and my glance travelled to the window just in case to escape his dark eyes. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go but the conversation made it impossible to stay. The room already felt like our own environment.

'Yeah, let’s pretend that you don’t want to feel what it’s like to be on her spot’ Alex chuckled mockingly. I heard him standing up too, coming closer to me which sent millions of goosebumps down my spine. Whatever was happening had to stop. We had to stop.

'But what if I don’t?’ I turned my head to him which was obviously a mistake. We were too close to each other to let our eyes met. It could literally cause an explosion.

'You know, last time when we checked if you were right, you failed’ Alex stated teasingly with his intense glance on me. 'I bet that this time won’t be different’ he said quietly, almost in a whisper.

He made a loud step to me and I felt his hot breath near my face. The music suddenly stopped playing and I heard a heavy silence between us which was mind-blowing me every second that he was standing next to me.

His shirt was too white, his jeans were too denim, his expression was too attracting. The armchairs were too peachy and the window was too lonely for this too small room. Everything could be expressed as “too” and it was destroying me inside because I felt a desire to be even closer to him and see the real depth of his pupils. I should have slapped myself in the face.

I felt a move of his after a moment as he leaned to me and I saw how he took a look at my plum lips with a deceptive smirk. My heart stopped with a record some time ago and I was unable to breathe. Was he trying to kiss me?

As an answer to my question, Alex made one more move so our lips could almost touch. I parted mine unintentionally with no thoughts in my hopeless mind to let him make the last step…

But all I heard was a loud laugh of his filling the room.

'What are you doing, Lili? When my girlfriend is just behind the wall?’ Alex shook his head in a fake disapproval using my line against me and making me the biggest fool on the entire planet. Of course, he wasn’t going to kiss me. It felt bitter that I was so naive. 'Shame on you’ he chuckled with a jeer and I felt really bad. What I wanted to do a minute ago was unfair to his girlfriend.

'Then why are you here? I didn’t ask you to follow me.’

'And I didn’t’ he smiled at me casually. 'I am here because your behaviour amuses me’

'Oh, perfect. So you are having fun’ I pronounced every word as venomously as I could. We had to stop being in the same room 'cause I felt pitiful and angry and, for God’s sake, we weren’t even friends to talk on typical topics.

There was a feeling that we were a little more than nobody to each other when he was so close to me a minute ago but if it was just an illusion? A mirage on a hot desert day? Anyway, it didn’t matter any more.

'I am’ Alex’s eyes sparkled for a moment looking at me with a deceiving move of his lips. Why was he so cruel to do all of this to me? 'Also…’ he wanted to add something but suddenly we heard a sound of the opened door and our glances travelled to it to see Janet standing at the threshold.

'Alex, I was looking for you’ she said in a calm tone. Her rosy lips formed a small smile looking at Alex and I saw her blue eyes flashed.

'Hey’ Alex muttered in a quiet voice coming closer to her and putting an arm around her bare shoulders. 'We were discussing with Lili here how it’s to be on someone else’s spot’ he returned his glance to me with a mock. It was too hard performance for me while Alex seemed to be more than OK.

'Oh, nice to meet you, Lili’ Janet answered carelessly giving me a friendly look and I felt a headache. That was too much for one party.

'Yeah, me too’ I mumbled. 

'But I think we should go already, right?’ she looked at Alex expectedly.

'Yes’ he nodded smiling at her and I felt how my headache become a migraine. 'I think we should leave Lili all by herself. Looks like today she is not in the mood’ Alex’s smirk was unbelievingly smug. Just like him.

'Happy that you are unlike me’ I said giving Alex the best fake smile that I could act and noticing the incomprehensible expression on Janet’s face. Alex didn’t look away from my honey eyes remaining calm with a usual dare in his glance and I was glad that even though she was in the same room with us, this was only our unspoken moment.

'Goodbye, Lili’ Janet told me exiting the room and I exhaled deeply feeling a sudden freedom of her presence.

'Good night’ Alex pronounced in a quiet voice closing the door slowly. I felt a desire to say something else and he looked at me playfully once more before closing the door 'And don’t be afraid of the truth’ my nightmare smiled cockily and I shrugged hopelessly before he could go away - that was the last pearl note of our song called “Matt’s birthday party” which I was grateful for.

That evening I knew only one thing: I’ve never seen the Universe aside from Earth so sometimes I hesitated if that was that dangerous and beautiful as it’s written in books but there was an actual space in his eyes and that was something I truly believed in. So foolishly but believed.

The last note is always the most important so whatever he told and did earlier, whatever I felt and said remained only in that small room absorbed by thirsty for talks wallpaper walls and nobody, except us two, knew about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! New chapter! A little plot twist for you. Next chapter we’ll find out more about Lili as a character. I really hope that you liked it. Please, let me know what you think. Huge thanks for all your support, likes and comments. It means a world to me 


	6. Chapter 6

Life is fond of one thing in this world - giving people lessons. As you’ve already noticed, I wasn’t the one to learn them and maybe that was the main reason for my current problems. Was I ready to solve them? That was the question.

Laying on the white snowy sheets in my room I was thinking over and over about Alex. Things with him felt like huge problems and the solution was near but I found myself looking for an excuse not to use it. That was the difficult part about him: he was the bad one but he was the good too.

The clock was ticking loudly and I didn’t know what time it was but it felt like two in the morning. The window was slightly open even though it was frosty outside. I was looking at the curtains fluttering on the cold wind in a hope of rest but my mind was full of something I shouldn’t have thought about. Alex was my pearl illusion in an almost dark room illuminated by the moonlight and I wished I had a ghost to tell him everything about my feelings.

It just happens sometimes that you live your ordinary colourless life and suddenly someone pours out a bucket of painted feelings on you destroying everything normal, getting in your head and giving you a reason to be awake at night. And then you are feeling numb and scared but blessed and intrigued. All of it makes you crazy but you don’t want it to stop.

I sighed trying to position myself comfortably on my bed. However, the comfortable position didn’t exist as well as a conviction that I would see Alex soon. Matt was the only connection between us and he went abroad for a week for something that I didn’t ask about so the chance to look into Alex’s dark eyes was lower than ever.

But what if it was for better? He had a girlfriend and it wasn’t OK to even breathe the same air. I didn’t have to care about Janet and him together ‘cause it seemed so natural for somebody like Alex to have a girlfriend. I had to forget, leave all the thoughts behind and tell myself that everything about it was just wrong. But why did I want it so much?

I got up from my bed in a quick move not being able to lay anymore, finally feeling a cold wooden floor under my feet. I closed the window and turned around giving a glance to my dark lonely room in a hope to see something that I’ve never seen before. I spotted my typewriter standing on the table forgotten, covered with dust and felt an unpleasant feeling in my stomach looking at it.

Why did I even decide that I can write? That felt so stupid somehow after all these senseless attempts. People become doctors, teachers, firefighters, for God’s sake, and who was I? An unlucky writer with a “temporary” job? Sounded pitiful and I hated to feel it.

I knew that I should change something but it felt impossible with February outside the window. I wanted to scream for a spring, let it know that I was tired of waiting, that all I needed was just a light whiff of a warm March wind. But what if it was just an illusion? What if I was convincing myself that everything had to come to the normal state in spring but in reality, it was just an excuse to forget about my problems? What a stupidity to make everything so complicated.

I sighed again letting my fingers travel through the milk chocolate hair of mine feeling my weakness, closing my eyes, wishing that I could just fall asleep and forget about everything for a night. But today fate had other plans preparing a surprise for me and all of a sudden, I heard a sound of knocking at the front door.

Firstly, I didn’t believe what I heard. I just thought that it was some kind of a trick of my imagination but the knocking became louder and I made a few quiet steps. I went further across the room and to the hall realising that someone was knocking at my front door slowly but loudly. Who could come so late at night? Was it a ghost that I was hoping to have?

I came to the front door silently and hold my breath for a second. The curiosity inside me made an explosion giving me a courage and in a careful move of mine, I opened the ill-fated door.

'Kind of slowly. Were you afraid to let me in?’ the mocking phrase hit my head like a lightning hits the clear sky on a hot sunny day. I felt an almost unnatural cockiness in every sound of this melodic voice when I saw my favourite but unexpected night ghost.

'What are you doing here?’ I asked in a soft voice not being able to understand if I was just dreaming or it was a reality in all its beauty. His eyes were illuminating me with its directness and cold attraction which only Alex could have.

'Isn’t it boring for you to ask the same questions every time?’ a smirk painted his rosy from the frost face and I thought only one thing: I wanted to see him and he came. Don’t believe. That was crazy.

'It’s just because every time you appear, there is no explanation for it’ I pronounced every word confidently looking at his smug face. Today Alex was unbelievably casual in his all-black look and I thought that he could be a perfect colour for the picture of my night apartment. But no, that was too audacious thought.

'I never need an explanation. But this time I actually have one’ Alex raised his eyebrows mockingly licking the deceiving lips of his. I had a desire to smack his handsome face and attractive features in a case to throw the image of it in a trash bin. It seemed like the only way to survive. 'So, will you propose me to come in?’

’Please’ I said carelessly letting him in and closing the door. Was it a mistake? 'So, what is your marvellous explanation? Janet found out about your evil plans to dump her and did it with you instead?’ a fake smile on my face mixed with a tease in my tone and it was enough to make his eyes giggle.

'I like those new harsh overtones in your voice’ Alex grinned playfully observing me and suddenly I understood that I was dressed in an oversized white T-shirt and grey comfy shorts which were a very bad choice for Alex’s midnight visit. But, maybe, he didn’t care? 'But you are wrong. Janet is completely right’ he did a loud accent on her name burning me with his unbelievable calmness and stopping his glance for a moment somewhere on my bare legs.

'Glad to hear it’ I answered in a loud whisper trying to sound as confident as I could. In a dark room, his black colours enveloped me and it felt like sinking in an ink. Unfortunately, I didn’t mind sinking like this forever, just with his vital presence around me.

'I’m sure, you are’ he snorted with a small laugh making me shiver. 'But I am here because Matt asked me to give you an invitation to our private performance in a pub in a few days. Matt comes back sooner than expected’ some kind of formal voice escaped his lips and I assumed that was a perfectly planned one.

When Alex put an invitation card on the small table near the front door I knew that they had a band together but I guess, it wasn’t the main topic in my head so I didn’t ask Matt much about it. Sounded interesting, though.

'How kind of you’ a grimace appeared on my face. Poison was my best weapon in front of his attractive essence. 'At two in the morning?’

'I knew that you didn’t sleep’ Alex said in a silk voice of his reminding me the first time he pronounced my name. I haven’t said his yet, though.

'How?’

'It can be read on your face. I saw it on Matt’s birthday’ he answered in a serious tone but his eyes were making a fool of me. It felt like he knew everything not even trying to get to know me. Well, I didn’t want to talk about my eyes bags.

'Whatever’ I cut everything he could say about it further. My insomnia was only his damn fault.

'You are right. Whatever’ Alex made a free move with his hand dispelling the uncomfortable topic. 'But maybe Miss Retro lover has some coffee in her house?’ his cocky eyebrows made a dance and I felt the familiar nervousness in my chest. Marvellous, here we are again.

'You want to have coffee with me at this kind of hour?’ I asked him being afraid of the phrase that I’ve just pronounced. It was like he was telling me about whales walking on the ground. Impossible, simply impossible.

'You don’t seem to be hospitable’ he snorted in a fake annoyance.

'I hate guests’

'You just didn’t have good ones’ Alex grinned in a charming way of his covering me with a mock of his glance and walked to my kitchen in the easiest way possible like that was an everyday routine.

Maybe, at that moment I felt how much I wanted him to be here. Just walking in my kitchen not switching on the light, sitting on one of the chairs near the table and throwing his leg over the other like it was something that meant nothing and a lot in the same time.

Alex was a black and white polaroid picture in the dark of my kitchen and only his mocking sparkling eyes were shown to me by the light of the window. I wanted to remember it just in case he would never come again.

'So, where is your coffee, dear?’ he asked smiling at me almost innocently and I knew that somewhere far away there was someone who had a right to be his but in this kitchen, at two in the morning it felt as a far as another galaxy.

'I’ve already asked you not to call me “dear”’ I parted my lips a little letting a harsh overtone escape my quiet voice. 'Since you feel so free, you could make coffee yourself. It’s in a cupboard’ I pointed on where it was looking daringly in his eyes. I wanted him to feel uncomfortable at least once.

'Nice try’ the smirk painted his lips with familiar carelessness when he got up from the chair. 'I’ll show you how to make it properly’

In a moment he got a coffee and a cezve on the counter near him. With a nimble movement, he poured three spoons of it in a cezve, mixed a little and put it on the stove. I was mesmerised by the sight of Alex like it was a real miracle which people are writing books about.

When he turned around to face me with the smuggest velvet smile of his it felt so right somehow. Could this smile be only for me or it was too much to ask?

'See? Dancing is not the one talent I have’ he came closer lazily as I was leaning on the counter near the stove. His hair was fluffy and probably endlessly black like the night outside the window and I was dying for his mind-blowing touch.

'And not the best’ I let myself a small smile listening to sound of coffee cooking on the stove. We didn’t turn on the light and it felt unbelievingly natural 'cause the light of the window let us see each other’s lines perfectly.

Alex laughed soundlessly catching me off guard with an absence of his teasing response. It was too quiet around when Alex’s dark eyes which consisted of far worlds found mine. At that moment I just wanted to find out how was it to be a space dust somewhere on the iris eyes of his.

'You know, I was thinking of you’ a soft caramel voice of Alex spread somewhere in the kitchen taking away a vital air from my lungs and I felt marble cold fingers of his touching my cheek, drawing a line of my sharp jawline with his thumb. My chest was burning while his dark eyes were unreadable. I could smell a February frost in his jacket when I saw the line of red light from outside the window illuminating Alex’s velvet expression. Yes, he infected me being my worst disease but also the best remedy for it. It was so strange to feel sick and happy under his touch that it could only be compared to dying and resurrecting every eternal second.

'Do I have to be flattered?’ a colourless tone painted my voice which was the exact opposite of the trembling inside me that I was trying to keep. No, Alex, that won’t be so easy this time even though the resistance was a torture.

'No, I didn’t expect this from you’ he let a small smile appear somewhere between his lips. 'I just wanted you to know it’ the red line of the light hit his sparkling eyes and I saw how the world was looking at me through his deep pupils. I felt a desire to close my eyes and let him touch my cheek with his gentle fingers, giving me a right to have a hope for a kiss but…

But there was Janet, his smugness and my hesitations between us. Alex was playing with me and I had to do everything not to drown in dangerous waters. We could be anybody in this kitchen at two in the morning but not lovers.

'Is this what you say to all those “pretty girls”?’ I snorted lifting my chin to look at him from under my eyelashes. I could talk harshly but it was impossible to remove his soft fingers from my cheek. I knew that I had to anyway.

'You never stop amusing me with your behaviour’ he said in a satin tone smirking. I could see that he was trying to find out about all the secrets that I was hiding in the dark from his almost serious glance. But it was nothing more than my passion for him. And how could I not feel it? Alex was standing in my kitchen at two in the morning with his sparkling eyes on me and mysterious essence, retro clothes and the smell of February. He left me no choice.

'And you never stop appearing when I don’t ask you to’ I said mockingly with my eyes not losing his and pushing him back with my free hand losing our skin contact. He snorted and the flash ran across his pupils leaving me a taste of his touch. That was a duel and no matter how painful it was to push him from myself, I wanted to win. 'What are you really doing here?’

'Drinking coffee’ he shrugged with a tease in his handsome features. I knew that he wouldn’t say the truth so all I had to do was pouring the coffee in two white cups on my table.

'I am sure that Janet would be happy to hear that you are drinking coffee with me now’ I dropped the sarcastic phrase casually sitting at the table when he made a small sip of coffee. I caught myself on a thought that it would be good to sit like this forever. Me and my favourite ghost.

'I never tell her where and when I go’ Alex answered with no emotions at his face. He always acted like these kinds of things meant nothing. I wondered why. 'Don’t you remember? I am the bad guy’ he laughed taking another sip. The cup was too white for all of his dark appearance while the fingers of his were drawing circles on it and the shadow of my louvre was laying in a form of thin stripes on his face. It felt so unreal that if he hadn’t touched me earlier, I wouldn’t have believed.

'I am sorry for her’ I said with a snort.

'Don’t be. You are nothing like her’ he smiled looking at me somewhere from his mistakenly white cup. I felt that it had to end now somehow or there will be a catastrophe. I didn’t know how long I could act so indifferent.

'You are right. I am nothing like her’ I smiled feeling a little bitterness on my tongue. 'That’s why I want you to go’ I sounded quiet but so strong that I didn’t believe my own words. I saw that none of his features changed but there was something in Alex’s eyes that felt differently. I was looking at his face daringly like he used to do with me every time. Yes, Mister Smugness, I can resist you.

'OK, let’s believe in this obvious falsehood’ Alex got up from the seat pronouncing the words simply and carelessly like a habit of his. The change in his eyes disappeared like it has never happened and I thought how amazing it was that he was so good in this role. 'But remember one thing’ Aled smirked in the best way of his reminding me why I couldn’t sleep at night. 'You play a very dangerous game’ the smooth cream of his voice was only an addition to the smug expression on his face and I felt a desire to sink in a cup of coffee that I was holding.

I wanted to say something caustic but it meant the continuation of conversation and I couldn’t let it happen.

'Good night, Mr Turner’ I whispered giving him a name that Matt told me about looking directly at Alex’s face. The lines of his became the most natural detail in my environment and I was praying to see them like this at least once more.

'Good night, Lili’ he smiled in some kind of pleased way which sent my heart somewhere above the Earth. But all I did was just a small nod when in a second the dark figure of his left the room.

It’s funny what difficult games of pretending we have to play just in a case to be happy in the final end.

I looked at the clock on the wall which showed me 3:12 and turned my head to the white cup that Alex left on a table. Right, that wasn’t a dream but should I be glad about it? Everything after him could only be considered as his and I envied the cup he was holding. The touch of his couldn’t be forgotten.

I caught myself sitting in my kitchen looking through the window at the street all night. When in the heat of Bowie’s morning tender cold sunlight touched my cheek I knew that a work in a florist shop was waiting for me in a couple of hours but it felt so unimportant compared with all the other things. Some things like having coffee at two in the morning with Alex and sending him away at the end of it.

I was the winner. He was the loser. The truth was a weakness that’s why he lost today. He said “I was thinking of you” and wasn’t it the craziest thing he could say? Thinking of me somewhere in this city, sometime in this February, possibly being with someone when I couldn’t even imagine. I’ll convince myself that he thinks of me randomly, having an image of me unexpectedly like TV channel that you didn’t turn on. I’ll truly will. But till tomorrow I’ll let myself a thought that he was thinking of me because he really wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Long wait which I am sorry about. I hope that you liked the chapter. I want to say huge thanks to all of you. For leaving comments, kudos, supporting me and for just being you. Please, let me know what you think:3 You can blame me for long comment and sentiments but I truly love you and I couldn’t leave it unsaid. Thank you
> 
> P.S. What’s your favourite song right now? I would like to know you better)


	7. Chapter 7

If God is a trickster, do we have a right to say that life is just an old bad trick? I didn’t believe in God but the theory of life as a twist was the only explanation to all the unbelievable things that I have felt and done since I’ve met Alex. All of it had to become even worse just because of one simple phrase.

“I was thinking of you” was spinning in my head endlessly like an obsessive advertisement that you’ve accidentally seen on TV. It followed me everywhere. And even on the way to my work the next day after Alex’s visit, I couldn’t stop myself from recreating these words in my head in millions of shades possible.

Walking down the busy morning street felt more pleasant than it usually was which was obviously caused by the good mood of mine and the fresh February air. People looked gloomy but I didn’t care. Today, for the first time in forever, I was a little excited to go to my work and it seemed to me that February wasn’t an as bad idea as I thought a few days ago. Who needs spring when you have such a nice winter morning?

‘Good morning, Tina’ I pronounced in the most careless way possible opening a glass door of a florist shop and feeling a desire to be nice today. What a morning.

'Wow, what’s wrong with your face, Lili? I see you smiling’ a blonde girl called Tina grinned at me holding a fresh bouquet of pink roses obviously ready for the day.

She was a nice colleague but we weren’t really friends just because I wasn’t a very open person and Tina was the opposite. She was funny enough and pretty like the girls from the retro posters. Always dressed in cute dresses and denim overalls followed by a sly strawberry smile. She liked to say that she was “experienced in love as hell”. I never understood where she got all that experience, though.

'Yeah, kind of’ I mumbled a little awkwardly suddenly feeling ashamed of such a good mood of mine. Tina was the one who wanted to know everything and I knew that she would ask, ask and ask.

'So, take the new blue hydrangeas and make the bouquets. We have a huge wedding order’ she smiled at me smelling the roses in her hands as I put my stuff on a table and took the hydrangeas choosing the best-looking ones.

Tina was a much better worker than me. She loved flowers and never skipped the work while I was always in hurry to go home to my typewriter. Last two months the typewriter has become a painful thought in my head but I couldn’t enjoy being at work as much as she did. I assume, I never will.

'I didn’t think people could use hydrangeas for a wedding. Usually, there are roses or peonies’ I said to myself but more like to Tina. It just felt like having a small chat and it didn’t matter what topic it was. Or, maybe, it did?

'I wonder why. I would choose chamomiles. They are simple but that is the point. No pathos for such an important occasion’ Tina answered dreamingly checking out the perfection of fresh flowers that were brought here in the early morning for million’s time. 'But whatever. Let’s concentrate on your good mood today. What is it, Lili?’ she narrowed her eyes at me with a playful smile on her lips. This girl was really funny.

'It’s nothing’ I said trying to hide my smile in the last attempt to stop Tina from asking me questions.

'Of course’ she snorted sarcastically. 'Tell me everything’ the excitement lightened her green eyes and I couldn’t resist. A little revelation never hurt nobody, right?

'Well, there actually might be someone’ I answered indifferently trying to act cool but the blush has already painted my cheeks.

'Who is the lucky one?’ Tina asked with a strawberry smirk.

'I don’t think that he considers himself lucky too much’ my smile went out immediately and I sighed heavily touching the sea blue petals of the hydrangeas. They felt unbelievably tender under my fingers and it somehow reminded me of Alex’s touch. What did he think at that moment? Was his heart racing as much as mine or it meant nothing?

'I don’t like that heavy sigh, girl’ Tina furrowed her neat eyebrows in an amusing way like only she could. 'I see we have a difficult situation here. Tell me about him’.

'Well…’ I said unsure stretching the word “well” like it could gift me with an endless amount of time. 'His name is Alex’ I pronounced finally drawing an image of him in my mind.

He never left my thoughts. Always waiting for me to see the details I’ve never noticed, appreciate his mystery, beg for a glance. He was playing with me even in my mind, creating illusions, appearing in my dreams. There could be no place for him in all this city but he always had a room in my head.

'He is what is considered to be a “bad guy”, all handsome and retro style with the usual smirk and dark eyes. Loved by girls but doesn’t get touched. Smokes cigarettes but never says “love”. He never stays. He never promises. The worst thing is that he is a nightmare and he is a daydream. And I know that I shouldn’t think about him but… You know, the unusual essence of his leaves me no choice" I ended the phrase looking somewhere through the Tina where the image of Alex was smirking at me from the rows of flowers and shook my head to dispell it.

'Holy tulips!’ she exclaimed with her hands on the open mouth of her and I had doubts if it was okay to tell Tina everything. 'Sounds really attractive. No surprise that you are into him. But what’s wrong?’

'Well, a lot of things. Alex went to my apartment yesterday night and said that he was thinking of me. But the little “unimportant” detail is that he has a girlfriend. Not even mentioning that he is a heartbreaker’ I replied with a sarcasm in my tone feeling an annoyance spilling inside of me with a mention of Janet. I shouldn’t feel that way because she was probably a good person and so on, and so on but I felt it and I couldn’t do anything with it.

'That’s a plot twist. It’s definitely better than the series I started watching on TV last Monday’ Tina answered in an exciting voice and left the flowers she was holding on the table coming closer to me.

'Yeah, kind of’ I laughed bitterly not even knowing where my good mood disappeared. 'And he always acts indifferent and smug which makes me feel weak around him. I got an invitation to the private performance of his and our common friend’s band today evening and I don’t know what to do’ I looked into her green eyes with a hopeless expression.

It was hard to imagine me and Tina talking about stuff like that on any other day because we’ve never been close. And now, when the strange period of my life came to me I suddenly felt an urge to ask her advice, tell her everything that I felt.

'Don’t worry, dear’ the blonde smiled at me warmly like a mother that tells her child that the nightmares are not real and you can get rid of them with a wave of the hand. 'I think that you should find out what he really feels. He is confident and so are you. Dress up and be yourself, your beautiful self’ she winked at me playfully and I felt a little relief spreading in my body.

'But what if I am not good enough? His girlfriend is a beauty and I am just… Just what I am’ I grimaced with a sad smile looking down on the sea blue hydrangeas under my fingers. Why just not to be born as a flower?

'Of course, you are good enough!’ Tina said reassuringly. 'You are like.. Like…’ she put one of her fingers in her mouth in a thinking manner observing the shop. 'Like a half blooming lavender rose, right’ Tina finally stated seriously and I couldn’t keep myself from laughing.

'What does it suppose to mean? Roses are such a cliché’ I was foolishly grinning at her amusing by this strange conversation on a February morning.

'So what? “Romeo and Juliet” is a cliché too but it doesn’t mean that it’s not good’ Tina answered offensively confronting my mocking tone like I really hurt her. 'You are a half blooming rose because you are afraid of opening to somebody, even though you want to. And the lavender colour is a charm that you have, the smartness and artsy essence. So please, be yourself and leave all the doubts’ she smiled again with a strawberry warm lips and at that moment I somehow believed Tina. This small chat in some way changed us forever.

I didn’t say anything to her. It felt like the words meant nothing and it was awkward to thank and hug or whatever people do. I just nodded giving her a kind look and we went back to forming sea blue hydrangeas in bouquets for someone’s wedding.

It felt crazy to think that the flowers that were supposed to make people happy later that day heard my story. Do you think they would tell somebody? Would people looking at them see the honey eyes of mine and the image of someone that stuck in my head for what seemed like forever? Maybe, it didn’t matter as much as I thought it did.

When the evening came, I was ready for it. Breathing a cold fresh air I was standing outside the bar fighting all the hesitations of mine and feeling a desire to be confident. Be beautiful and attractive which I hadn’t been so worried about before I’ve met Alex.

It wasn’t like I was trying to show him the better or fake version of me. I was trying to reveal the side of mine which he hasn’t seen yet and that “thinking of you” gave me a right to do so. I wanted to see him, show that “good enough” was just an illusion because I was alive human with genuine emotions and true feelings.

'That’s a private performance, Miss’ the security guy at the entrance looked at me from under his glasses observing my figure from the head to my toes.

'I have an invitation card’ I answered briefly showing him the card and feeling a little nervous. Why did it feel like the security shouldn’t let me in?

'Oh, okay. You can come in’ the guy said to me with an apologetic look and that was the last step that was made irretrievably. Me or Alex. There should be a shame for someone and I knew that today everything was different from any other day.

The bar was dimly lit and the smell of light alcohol was flying in the air. My dress was flared. Velvet green and not for a winter. My lips were plum. Not a typical colour but it wasn’t a typical occasion. My boots were black and I got rid of the coat 'cause it felt so unnecessary. Every detail was important until the beginning of a play when all of it vanished.

The music touched my ears immediately. A soft velvet voice was singing and with every cell of my body I could feel that it was Alex.

There he was, on the stage, with a guitar that he was playing on like it wasn’t a big deal. His eyes were closed as he was singing almost painfully good. His suit was of a dark night sky colour and I wished I could find the missing stars of our first meeting on it. His Elvis-like haircut was perfectly shaped, all for the performance which made him look even more museum and I knew that it wasn’t for me. I didn’t let myself a single thought of it. Alex was somewhere so distant and so close that I couldn’t understand how many steps I had to make to finally reach him.

He was singing but I couldn’t hear the words because everything around was like one big impressionistic picture: a little blurred by the strokes of feelings. And maybe, I was a little mad but only because of his unique colours.

I made my way through the tables where the people were sitting and standing at, listening to the songs. They were all probably some “close circle” for Matt and Alex because the conversations were common and easy. A lot of people were there and I wondered why I was one of them.

I stopped somewhere halfway to the stage hid by people and the dimly light but when I looked at Alex’s figure on the stage again, his dark eyes were already on me.

I shivered but decided not to look away receiving the glove from the first moment. From all the people at the bar, he was looking into my honey eyes singing the song and playing the guitar like a habit of his. The smirk unintentionally appeared on his lips and I heard a chuckle through the song he was singing. Was he glad to see me?

There was no place to hide from Alex’s glance. Even in that big crowd. It wasn’t true to say that I wanted to. My boots were leading me to the bar counter as my eyes were locked on Alex’s. The action was slow, mesmerised by the magical move of his lips, coloured by the music and I was sorry only for not hearing the words.

There was no empty table so I sat at the bar counter still looking at Alex and it felt like something insane. My mind was full of thoughts but I couldn’t catch any. Alex was moving, playing on the guitar with his marble fingers and I felt how my cheek started burning like a reminder of his touch. Today something was different even though his look was mocking and the smirk was untouched. Today he was looking at me like he waited for me to come and I felt it. Was it a mind-blowing detail or a mistake of mine?

'I’m sorry, are you alone here?’ the unfamiliar voice appeared somewhere near my ear when Alex finally broke our duel of glances and looked somewhere in the crowd. I turned my head to the owner of the voice only to see a handsome guy beside me leaning on the bartender. His smile was genuine and open while the chocolate eyes of his were giggling at me which made me feel a little amused.

'Well, that’s a hard question’ I answered with a fake seriousness throwing a glance to Alex who wasn’t looking in my direction. The guy grinned at me.

'Maybe, everything is simple but you don’t want to admit that?’ he raised his eyebrow in a funny way and this time I smiled. The guy was dressed in denim jeans and a white shirt which made him look unnaturally comfortable to talk to. Along with his blonde hair and small dimples he gave me the impression of an easy-going and careless person.

'Maybe, you are right. But what do I have to do if I am not ready to admit it yet?’ I leaned to the blonde guy with a small daring look. All right, why don’t we play a little game?

'Have a drink with me’ the guy smirked at me but it was nothing like Alex. Everything in him was nothing like Alex and that was the only problem.

'Well, do you really think I should?’ the unfamiliar cockiness slipped through my tone and I felt someone’s intense glance on me from the distance. I’ve already known that it was him.

'Definitely’ the guy answered smugly with no hesitations but I couldn’t concentrate on his face. I was dying to look at his eyes so I turned my head and met Alex’s dark intense gaze which felt so heavy that my chest tightened like he could burn a hole in it.

I wanted him to look, remember this moment, feel how the blood was running through his veins just in case his heart was beating as fast as mine. There was nothing in his glance but I could see his features sharpened as he was singing and moving his fingers faster and harsher than it was before. He didn’t like the view and this time I knew what I would do.

'Then, I undoubtedly will’ the smile painted my lips when I turned to the blonde guy and heard that the music stopped. With a corner of my eye, I could see the band going off the stage with millions of applauds. But it didn’t matter anymore. I’ve already seen Alex tensed up and that was the main detail of the show.

'Right decision’ the stranger nodded me with a pleased look and ordered some drinks. I decided to concentrate on his behaviour keeping myself from turning around and seeing Alex’s eyes again. That would be a defeat. 'I’m Nate, by the way’ the guy offered me a hand and I shook it with some fake formal face. Well, at least, Nate was funny.

'I’m Lili. Nice to meet you’ I told him mindlessly taking a sip of a cold cocktail in my hand. It didn’t bother me how it was called but I noticed my fingers shaking a little. Damn, I was bad at hiding emotions. Thank God, Mr Nightmare couldn’t see it.

'Nicer for me, though’ he winked at me playfully. 'So, how did you end up here, Lili? Do you know Alex?’ Nate’s smile was attractive, no doubts, but I could read him too easily.

'Let’s say that I have a common friend with him’ I said carelessly with a little mysteriousness. Nate laughed showing me his shining white teeth. Oh, I hated those “Hollywood smiles”. 'And what about you?’

'I and Alex have a difficult relationship but I assume, we are friends’ a spark ran through his sly glance and I thought that this careless behaviour suited him very good.

'I don’t remember calling you “friend”’ the third cold strong voice hit my back with its poison and I didn’t need to turn my head to know that it was Alex. So, why did he come? Didn’t he like the game?

'Alex, why are you so rude every time?’ my new acquaintance furrowed his brows in a fake concern looking at Alex and it felt like a good play. However, I was the one to create it.

'Because I don’t like you, Nathan’ Alex stated seriously with no usual cockiness. I let myself give a glance to the anthracite eyes of Alex that were looking at Nate with unconcealed annoyance. 'I am sure that Lili thinks the same’ Alex looked at me finally which made me feel weak in the knees and it felt like agreeing with him would be a right choice. But today everything was different somehow and I didn’t want to let him win that easy.

'Why? I think that he is an interesting guy’ I pronounced every word as daringly as I could looking into Alex’s eyes and giving him my best actress plum smile. Nate didn’t exist. He was just a cheap decoration in our pathos play and all I wanted were Alex’s pure emotions. I wanted him to be angry at me just to reveal what was under his thick cover. I wanted to know what that “thinking of you” meant.

'We both know that you are here not for him’ his eyes were sparkling in the dim light of bar and for the first time since we’ve met, I saw two gold flames in it. A right to think that he cared, a sight that didn’t get me scared.

'You’ll never know’ I cut the phrase. There was a familiar wall between us which we made ourselves. It could easily be broken with an unsure touch but there was a game that cost more than a feeling. It cost pride. Unfortunately, it happens that in this meaningless world pride is more important than love.

'Alex, come here, man!’ somebody’s voice called Alex but he made no move. He was looking through me seeing all my insides but I wasn’t ashamed anymore. And he knew it.

'Then, have fun, Lili’ with these words Alex’s eyes dimmed and the cheeks of his created unbelievingly expressive lines. There were no emotions on his face which I was disappointed about. With no hesitations, he turned around and went somewhere in the crowd. I felt an urge to stop him, beg him to be angry, show me that I was something. Something more than an accidentally turned on channel in his head.

I lost a sight of him being left with a drink in my hand and unnecessary feeling of victory. Did he care that I was flirting with another guy? If yes, it wasn’t enough to show it.

Of course, it just hurt his pride, not his feelings. He wanted to make sure that I was still vulnerable in front of him. And I wasn’t but why did it feel so bitter?

I don’t remember how much time I spent with a single drink and my new acquaintance. I don’t remember what we were talking about and what jokes Nate told. Alex was the reason for everything and without him, I felt pity. So, when Nate suggested driving me home, I didn’t argue.

'Wait for me outside the bar, I’ll say “goodbyes” and take the car’ Nate winked at me again and I smiled forcefully. All of it was making me tired already.

When I exited the bar, it felt like a frosty air was trying to strangle me and for a second I thought that it wasn’t a bad idea. But just for a second. For a second until I spotted someone I didn’t want to see at that moment.

I froze on my spot looking at Alex standing in front of me. So, there hasn’t been the end of the play yet?

'Really? Driving with Nate home? I am disappointed’ a mocking chuckle filled the air all of a sudden and I shivered. He was following me not only in my nightmares. What the fuck he needed? 'I thought you were smarter’

'And I thought you didn’t care’ I answered simply trying to keep my heart rate normal observing Alex’s figure which was leaning on the brick wall of the bar illuminated by forgotten Christmas lights. The body of his was enveloped with white smoke as the cigarette he was smoking was hiding my weakness and his emotions. The sight of him was addictive and illusional but I got used to it.

’Haven’t you learnt the lesson? I am not the type to care’ his voice was quiet but smug and I wanted to scream at him to let him feel how much I wanted to hear the opposite. The sky was black and heavy with billions of stars covering the city like it was going to fall on us and destroy everything around. I knew that only his sparkling eyes and teasing smirk could keep it in place above my head.

'Then why are we having this senseless conversation? I go and it’s none of your business’ my tone was cold and sharp as I was freezing on a night February street without his warm touch. And I knew that Nate wouldn’t help much.

'Uh, all these why, why, why’ Alex snorted with a look of irritation on his illuminated by the Christmas lights face. Gold and red, they gave his dark eyes millions of shades of colours and it was like looking in a children’s kaleidoscope. 'Because you amuse me but at the same time I feel a slight annoyance with every move of yours, with every tone of your voice and unsure glance’ he made a small puff looking at me like we’ve been talking about the weather for ages and all this time it was only frost outside. 'I’m annoyed with your habit for dresses and bare legs as well as your honey eyes and writing problems’ he smirked carelessly and I felt ticklish goosebumps on the skin of my back.

'You were so annoyed that you were thinking of me?’ I’ve asked too loudly and my voice was a little trembling.

'I guess so’ Alex laughed but only a small grin remained on his lips. 'But this is like a vinyl record, you know’ he did a few steps to me which felt like touching a red button before the explosion. 'It’s spinning over and over endlessly in my mind’ his intense glance was covered with a smoke of his cigarette and I couldn’t find any words to say. His usual mock, my usual hesitation. 'And I haven’t decided yet if I like the record or not’ the golden flame lit up his eyes and I knew that we wouldn’t be the same tomorrow.

'Well, then I don’t care if you like it’

'Of course, you don’t’ his chuckle painted the air around and the cigarette went out. 'You know, I have an urge to kiss you’ there was still a small mock in his features but the tone of Alex’s voice was serious. I felt a strange feeling in my stomach. No, there were no scenarios where he could say that. 'Just out of curiosity’ the distance between us was nothing and I couldn’t hear anything because of echo in my ears. There were only his space eyes and mysterious figure.

He was going closer and closer slowly killing my hopes to escape 'cause my body refused to move. 'I wanna know how much you desire to stay ’ the cream whisper near my ear turned off my head burning the skin of my neck with a hot mint breath and I let myself a weakness to smell his toxic cologne. I saw his sparkling in the light of the street lamp eyes and daring look.

Alex’s move was slow but sure and when his deceiving lips touched mine, it was like eternity came and stopped the time just for us. His lips were soft and demanding as if he was waiting for it as much as I did and I was afraid to move because it seemed that the absolute feeling of floating would disappear. I kissed him back as frantically as my aching lungs let me. I was angry at him for all the games he played with my heart and all my previous defeats. I was angry but I couldn’t push him away and my cold fingers grabbed the collar of his jacket in a case I would fall through.

It was a needy, angry and passionate kiss which had to prove that he didn’t like the record and I didn’t like him. But it was a lie.

'Alex…’ I whispered his name for the first time when we pulled away and the smug smirk appeared on his handsome features but I haven’t ended the phrase.

'Lili, we are ready to go’ I heard Nate’s voice calling me and it sounded like an annoying alarm clock which has finally woken me up. The reality hit my mind with a thought of Janet and pride which seemed unimportant a minute ago and now became crucial.

I locked my eyes with Alex’s dark ones noticing his pleased expression and the Ursa Major constellation in the corner of his pupil. He was waiting for me to choose his side and send Nate away but I was scared. The kiss usually makes everything so difficult. I didn’t want to be used, I didn’t want to be one of those “pretty girls” who he kisses at night and leaves in the morning. Alex could have anyone that night but not me.

'Okay, I go’ I answered loud enough for Nate to hear only to see Alex’s confusion. Yes, he wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. It was simple even after a complicated kiss.

I turned around sharply not being able to say something to Alex. Sitting in Nate’s car, I caught Alex’s intense glance and sharpened cheekbones but with a start of an engine, the image of my favourite nightmare vanished leaving me the taste of his deceiving lips.

He thought I was at his feet but miscounted. He shoved emotions and the game doesn’t forgive that.

I wanted to stay more than anything. I didn’t care about Nate or the cold February night. I was living in that kiss, I was breathing even though Alex took away all my oxygen. I felt something that night and looking through the glass of the car at the millions of city eyes, I knew what I would do at home. I would take my typewriter and write everything about that feeling, everything about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! How are you? The new chapter on the horizon here. I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it:3 Sorry for the long wait but it’s a long chapter. Please, tell me your opinion about it. I would be the happiest if you left a comment or like! Thank you so much, I love you all!
> 
> P.S. Guys, where are you from? I would like to know.


	8. Chapter 8

What does the kiss mean? Is it nothing or everything? Or maybe, there is no word to describe what it really is and all we have is our wrong feelings?

What makes us feel so alive and dead at the same time? Is it a special atmosphere or a delicious cologne which spins our heads? You should become a philosopher to find the reason why it seems like everything has changed but in reality, it remained untouched.

And I wasn’t one. You can obviously guess. I was just a fool with a taste of Alex’s lips on mine and I couldn’t get rid of it. Fortunately or unfortunately? That was the main question. Uh, we are always so unsure about the things we do.

I don’t remember how the evening was after the kiss. Nate and all these things. It just felt like there was nothing, just some mix of pictures and sounds that you don’t really have an urge to recall in your mind when it’s over.

But what I do remember is that I’ve finally written something. Just some thoughts and emotions. I spilt them on a paper with colourful paint of my words and caught a feeling of relief. Not a full, but sort of.

Standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom I was brushing my teeth. Just a routine action not in a routine way. I found myself drawing circles on the mirror with water on my fingers slowly and unconsciously.

I was just slowed down. Dreamy and out of the world. I was the astronaut to touch the Moon and when I did I couldn’t believe it. Alex’s essence filled me not giving a single chance to escape and left with a feeling of floating that was following me through the days. But why? Why did Alex do it? Maybe, all of it was just a stupid game?

I finished brushing my teeth and stood to look at myself in the mirror. The endless thoughts were spinning in my head obsessively like a bad habit. It was strange to see myself like this.

My milky brown hair in curly waves in a usual mess wasn’t attractive, in my opinion. As my honey eyes were sparkling on the light of the bathroom lamp, I’ve noticed the face features of mine. I’ve drawn a line through my cheekbones only to state that they weren’t sharp enough.

The white tank top revealed not really graceful collarbones and small shoulders that I was ashamed of. They had nothing in common with those swan shoulders of the girls like Jane who seemed proud and free thanks to their posture.

My breasts and stomach were average as well as my angular knees. The word “average” was screaming at me through the mirror and I felt weak and wrong. No, there was no way he could like me. So, it was a mock?

It was bitter to think like that. The game is fun only until it doesn’t break someone’s heart. So, could mine break? And could he feel something? No, I bet that didn’t even care about the consequences. I bet that it was just because he wanted me to feel how powerful he was and Nate wasn’t a thing. Well, it was the truth but did he have a right for it?

Uh, I wish I could stop thinking of him for a moment but his figure appeared everywhere I was. In my bed when I slept, in my kitchen when I was making coffee, on the streets when I was looking at people. Even now, in my bathroom, somewhere in the mirror Alex was looking at me with his dark eyes and that damn smirk which I wanted to erase from my head. The flash in his eyes was sparkling and I shivered.

No. That was enough. I blinked a few times to clear the vision and came out of the bathroom. That was the day like no other was.

Nothing couldn’t save the situation as I was working in a florist shop and everything around made me feel even worse. I was literally going crazy. The sight of the beautiful fresh flowers made me sick.

Perhaps, I was sick. I just didn’t have a temperature and a running nose. The symptoms were worse. And the only treatment didn’t show up.

“What’s wrong with you all day, darling?” asked Tina giving me a concerned look as we were going to go home. I knew that she was the only person I could tell everything so I felt a little relief with her question.

“Uh, actually…” I didn’t know why I mumbled. I wanted to tell so much but couldn’t find a proper phrase, to begin with. Tina’s eyelashes cast striped shadows on her rosy cheeks of the evening gold light and I found myself a little lost. “He kissed me” I pronounced almost immediately after a small pause. Tina’s eyes grew wide like two big unknown planets.

“Finally! I knew it!” she shouted in excitement and I felt a colour of embarrassment painting my cheeks. “So, you two are the thing now?”

“No, I left and he didn’t call or come”, I answered in an upset voice. “We are not in the movie, Tina. The kiss sometimes doesn’t mean anything, don’t you know?”

“I can’t believe it, Lili” her tone changed to serious. “If he doesn’t show up, then maybe there is some reason for it”

“Oh, I know that reason” I answered with a bitter smile on my face. “Its name is Janet. How about that?”

“I know what you are thinking about. But he kissed you and that means something. Maybe, you have to wait a little to find out what exactly” Tina’s reassuring and caring tone somehow irritated me and I just wanted to escape from her sight. How weird it was when five minutes ago I wanted to talk to her.

“What if I don’t want to wait?” I asked impatiently getting up from my place and exiting the shop in the fastest way possible.

How stupid. I was irritated. More with myself than with Tina because she was just a good friend. And who was I? I caught myself on developing a habit of asking the same questions. Marvellous.

The evening was frosty when I left the shop and went down the road to clean my head. In the morning I was too slow and now I was too irritated. If that what they name a “post-kiss syndrome” than it sucks. As well as a long freezing winter I would definitely not recommend it.

Suddenly someone dispelled my thoughts as I felt my arm being grabbed somewhere in the darkness behind the corner. The action was so fast and unexpected that I even didn’t have a chance to scream or protect myself. In a moment I felt my back pressed to a cold brick wall and I closed my eyes ready for the attacker to hurt me or steal my wallet…

But that didn’t happen.

“Isn’t it the worst movie cliché in the world to walk all alone on a dimly lit street in the late evening?” I heard the delicious mock somewhere near my ear as the hot breath of the stranger tickled the skin of my neck. A familiar breathtaking cologne made me shiver and I recognised the one and only reason for my strange behaviour. No way. Alex damn Turner.

I opened my eyes to meet his dark ones. Sparkling, reflecting the light of the street lamp somewhere behind us, his eyes reminded me of lighthouse lights in the dark of the street.

My breath was heavy and I parted my lips a little to let a warm air escape my mouth. My numbness was only his fault and the silence between us didn’t help much. I think I should have run away but he would definitely not let me.

“If it’s a cliché then you must be a maniac” I’ve finally managed to pronounce with a little harshness in my tone. He thought it would be easy to get me like this. Miscounted.

“I’m worse” Alex smiled smugly saying it in a low voice. The conversation was too intimate with me pinned to the wall and him being so close that it was almost a catastrophe.

“What did I do to win this visit, Mr Turner?” I whispered in a contemptuous manner leaning to his ear and closing the space between us in order to make us equal. If he could use this method why couldn’t I?

“Mr Turner. You know, I enjoy the game you play” he let a small laugh escape his lips and I felt it running through my body like an electric impulse. “But I remember you calling me "Alex” that night near the bar" I could almost feel a smug smirk on Alex’s face with his velvet voice and it was impossible to distract myself from his intoxicating scent.

“Well, maybe that was a mistake,” I said in a colourless tone. Being so close to him and playing this game was nearly exhausting. Lying was something I used to hide my real emotions. But his bright eyes were running around my face.

“Mistake? It’s funny ‘cause we both know the truth but you try to resist me so hard” Alex whispered with a mocking grin dangerously close to me and I felt a soft touch of his lips somewhere under my ear on the sensitive skin of my neck.

I found myself breathing heavily and melting under the unexpected touch not being able to push him away. He could make me weak so easily that it was almost funny. “Say it” Alex whispered again placing another kiss lower on my neck. His voice sounded too temptingly enveloping me with his essence, drowning out all the sounds of the evening city. There were only him and I and no world around.

“I want to hear you saying my name. Like you did that night” one more kiss burned me down and left no ashes. “I know you want it, darling” Alex said returning his gaze to my honey eyes and the word “darling” rang out in my ears giving me a reminder that Alex wasn’t mine and I swallowed a bitter taste on my tongue.

“How about the "darling” who is waiting for you at home?“ I pronounced in a low but strong voice and it seemed to me that I sounded sorrier than I wanted. I decided to say what bothered me the most and maybe that was a foolish move. "How about Janet?”

“Janet” he sighed deeply closing his eyes for a second. Maybe, to clear the thoughts, maybe, to hide from the answer. “We can forget about her for this moment, can’t we?” asked Alex looking at me with his deceptive eyes of the coming night colour and I wished I could take a picture. This moment was everything we had and with the next phrase, I had to ruin it.

“No, we can’t” I answered quietly and escaped from his grip in one abrupt move. He didn’t try to stop me. That was a little painful.

“But you’ve been on my mind lately” I heard him saying and turned around slowly. We returned to our habitual positions. Always on the distance. Not too close but not too far either. “You are becoming my favourite song on the record of this February and I’m trying to find your tune in everyone around. But it seems like they don’t know any proper notes” Alex’s voice was satin and tender and maybe that was the reason everything felt so unreal and blurred. His posture was dark illuminated with golden brown light of the street lamp and I couldn’t help but stare as my heart was beating painfully fast.

“But what if I don’t want to be your favourite song? Didn’t you try to imagine that everything is not like you know it is?” I was trying to hold his intense glance but my concentration kept leaving somewhere up the night sky. “Tomorrow you will listen to a new record and put me somewhere on the list of the songs that you used to like but then didn’t really feel like it. Isn’t it right?” my voice was trembling while I was trying to stand in front of him with a tightened chest and a misted mind.

“I don’t know. Perhaps, nobody knows what will happen next” I saw some mild shades on his face. “But why don’t you think about this moment?” Alex made a few steps looking at me from his height and I let my eyes follow a freezing light wind in the locks of his inky hair. “You are so worried about tomorrow that you are risking to lose today” his fingers brushed my cheek in a slight move and I hold the air in my lungs to hear his breath. Just in case it will never happen again.

“Because today is just a flash and tomorrow we will have to pay a high price for everything we’ve done” I sighed deeply lowering my gaze on his black boots.

“You know that I am not the one who cares about the price when I want it,” Alex said in the serious tone. I didn’t hear anything else around.

Like an artist, on the clean canvas, we were trying to draw the picture of this evening and it seemed like today we used oil. Maybe, that’s why the colours felt so bright.

“And that’s the problem” I looked in his sparkling eyes without any expectations. All I wanted was to be near him but everything was telling me that it was too painful. “You don’t care about someone getting hurt, do you?”

“And you care too much” he answered in a strong manner. Why is it always like this? Firstly, everything was a mock and now it was becoming a drama.

“Maybe, you are right,” I said in a low voice trying not to show my upset expression. “But even though you are a heartbreaker and has probably caused pain to a lot of hearts, I don’t want you to break mine” I caught a look of his furrowed brows and the eyes that couldn’t be read. That’s right. That’s what it should be.

Alex kept silence and I realised that the weak light that was shimmering on his sharp cheeks from the far street lamp was telling me to go. As if it was something I couldn’t admit to myself.

I turned around and made my way to the main street slowly, a little unsure but knowing that for today it was right.

He didn’t call my name, he didn’t go after me. I saw his long shadow laying under my steps and at that moment I knew how far we were from the actual spring. Something like thousands of light years, not less.

We could feel the winter like it has only come and maybe, for me and Alex, it was the truth. While our feelings were burning we were freezing from the cold. And our minds were misted. I truly wanted to believe that it was only because of the strong February fog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long wait and I’m sorry. Hope you’ve enjoyed it. Please, let me know your opinion.
> 
> P.S.Guys, I’ve missed you so fucking much


	9. Chapter 9

I wish I could stop the time. Or at least, make it go a little slower. To feel, to remember, to see all the smallest details. I wish I could make everything an eternity: a kiss, a glance, a touch.

It seemed like complicated things became easy when I and Alex kissed near the bar on the cold February evening. But it was just a minute illusion. We created an equation that was impossible to solve and here we were, on the threshold of obscurity. Total and scaring obscurity.

The steam from my coffee cup was blurring the sight from outside the window. It’s funny how people can be compared to coffee. It makes us think about our sweetness and bitterness. Perhaps, Alex was a black one with sugar and I was a cappuccino without.

I was waiting for Matt in a coffee shop. He wanted to meet up after a long time of him being abroad and me being too “busy”. It all was just an excuse because I was afraid to see Matt after what happened between me and Alex. Did he know about it? Did he judge me for kissing a man who has a girlfriend? I was tapping my fingers nervously in order to calm myself down but it was making everything even worse.

‘Lili, it’s so good to see you again’ I heard a pleasing voice of Matt behind my back and turned around giving him an awkward smile. He seemed to be in a good mood but his moon-like eyes were a little lost.

'Yeah, I am happy to see you too’ I answered casually as he sat at the table. I was tensed up and a little paranoid but was desperately trying not to show it.

'So, how is it going?’ he asked me with a bright smile and a friendly tone. Something was telling me it wasn’t as genuine as I wanted it to be. 'What about your writing drought?’

'Well, actually, it has finally ended’ I said feeling a little relief with a question on a neutral topic. 'I’ve written a couple of chapters of my new story so that’s something’

'Does it have something to do with Alex?’ he suddenly dropped the question like a bomb, blurted it out and it made an explosion in my head. There was no anger on his face but the usual smile disappeared making me flinch.

'What are you trying to say?’ I mumbled unnaturally making a sip of my already cold coffee. Avoiding eye contact was the only way not to feel the shame.

'I’m sorry that I say it out of nowhere. When I was going here I tried to persuade myself not to ask anything about it but it slipped from my tongue anyway’ his grey eyes were soft but a little judging and I thought that I couldn’t handle it. 'I know that both of you had a couple of moments. Alex told me’ Alex told him? But why? I felt my heartbeat trying to escape my chest because there was no way in this world he could talk about me.

And if he did what it was like? A mock? A joke? A painful saying about how pitiful I was? What was his face like? Did he smile? Or frown? Or made a grimace? I tried to imagine it in my head but all I got was a mix of pictures and no scene.

'Yeah, we did’ I muttered looking at my hands under the table. Why did I feel guilty?

'You understand that it’s not right, do you? He has a girlfriend’ Matt was trying to give me a sort of advice with his reassuring tone but all I felt was pitifulness. Nothing more, nothing less.

'I do know, Matt’ I said nervously and a small irritation sound left my lips unwillingly. He was telling me everything I had been thinking about all this damn time and the reminder was torture. 'It’s just not as simple as I want it to be’

'I see what you are saying. Yeah, no doubt, Alex is a good guy. I’ve known him for a long time to judge’ Matt tapped his fingers on a table mindlessly in order to gather all his thoughts. 'But when it comes to romance…’

'There is no romance’ I cut a little too harshly seeing him regretting the word. 'We had a kiss and that’s all. That was a moment of weakness that I let myself to succumb to. I know every word you may say so don’t waste time on a lecture’ I felt a bitter taste on my tongue with spoken words. A clot of something painfully familiar stuck in my throat and I was unable to swallow it.

'But I think… I think there is something between you two. I’m pretty sure you should end this ’ his eyes were running around my face and I wanted to hide somewhere, escape the café and forget about everything. 'And I know that you are hurt’.

'So what?’ I asked cynically. 'What should I do, Matt? Nothing can help but I’m not trying to destroy someone’s relationship. Besides, you know that it’s only temporary. I’m sure next month Alex won’t even remember my name’ I was talking feeling an urge to shout as loud as I could to show the world how painful it was. Or maybe, I was overdramatic. You never know for sure. Unfortunately, it happens that what is important today, can be useless tomorrow.

'I understand’ oh, no he didn’t. Matt sighed deeply and I felt tired as hell. Could there be something in this world to forget about Alex Turner? I was sure that there was some remedy because I wasn’t the first to feel it and I wouldn’t be the last. 'You know, despite the fact that it seems impossible, you should talk to him and figure everything out between you two’.

'Is there any necessity for it? He will make thousands of promises and I will foolishly believe. Then the day will come and he will find another tune that suits him better. Why do we have to start playing the scenario if we already know the ending?’ I finally looked in his grey milky eyes and mine were desperate.

'Life is a huge play, Lili. But the difference is that we have hundreds of alternative endings and only we can choose which is right for us’ Matt took my hand from the table in his warm one and I felt an obsessive urge to believe that he was right. 'Tomorrow evening there is a party in Alex’s house and I want you to come. Just in order to feel if playing the scenario is worth it’.

'Will Janet be there?’ I asked in a quiet voice.

'She will. But that’s only for better’ he squeezed my hand gently and gave me a soft smile. That somehow made me believe. Well, Matt was a really good person. 'Unfortunately, now I have to go. But remember what I said and come to the party. I will be very glad if you do’ I nodded simply at his words and a minute later I was left alone. Well, not really alone. With the cup of my already cold coffee.

Go to Alex’s house? It seemed so painfully tempting and wrong at the same time that I couldn’t get rid of my hesitations.

The city behind the glass of the window was living its usual life and I thought that maybe, I could do the same. Rushing somewhere, walking the streets, catching taxis and giving a million of senseless calls. Doing all of it without a single name on my lips, in my head, in my heart. But that was impossible, wasn’t it?

I felt tired of that feeling when you don’t really know what to do. When your heart says one thing and your brain another. From all the hesitations inside I chose one that wanted to feel his presence at least for a moment. That was enough to go through all the waiting hours before the party.

'So, you are ready, aren’t you?’ a soft voice of Matt touched my ears as we were standing in front of the front door of Alex’s house. I couldn’t put myself together so his voice sounded distant.

My makeup was a little darker than usual and so was my look. The dress I picked was black with lacy details on the edges and somehow it made me feel more confident. It has always been a war with Alex and every meeting was a new battle that I had to win for any price. The only thing was that I was afraid we went a little too far and my heart was aching.

'I guess I’ll never be’ I answered looking at Matt and nodded slightly without any expression on his face. His hand reached the doorbell and there was no way to step back. No way to escape from reality.

The door opened in a minute and I saw a slim figure of Janet standing on the threshold. A smile on her crimson lips made me flinch and I met a pair of her clean blue eyes.

'Matt, it’s so nice to see you’ she pronounced almost immediately giving him a quick hug and returning her glance to me. 'Lili, I assume? An unlucky writer?’ she teased in a friendly manner and fixed her Bob hairstyle hair. The sight of Janet made me feel wrong in every detail and that was just a beginning.

'Yeah, it’s me. Good to see you too’ I tried to create something that could be called a “smile” and she nodded in response. What a lie it all was.

'Guys, don’t stand on the threshold. Party has already started. I’m sure that Alex would be glad to see you two’ oh, sure, he would be. With that words, Janet welcomed us to come in and we stepped in the house.

Alex was standing in the middle of the cosy living room in his black button-up shirt and black jeans telling the guests some probably hilarious story. All the glances were on him and he knew exactly what to say, how to behave and smile. The wine glass in his hand reminded me of a baton that was helping him in his mesmerising movements.

I saw him as soon as I entered the building. The feeling of his presence was poisonous and I could see the marks of it on people around him. They were watching Alex eagerly trying to catch every word he was saying and every move he was making. So, I wasn’t alone.

The atmosphere felt more like home. All carefree with light music and lights on the background but it felt like I froze. Froze not knowing if it was okay to ruin this, let Alex spot me and deal with all the tension. Why I couldn’t be just an observer? It would make everything a lot easier.

'Alex, here are Matt and Lili’ a bright smile painted Janet’s lips and her voice broke the ice of a frozen moment. Yeah, there we were.

Alex turned his head in a slow move in our direction and my breath became unsteady. Every time was like the first when I was catching his eyes. In the big-big room, I had nowhere to hide and I saw those damn lips of his creating a usual smug smirk. Alex’s eyes ran along my body and returned to mine. Today his eyes were clear and saturated as if they were freshly painted on the canvas.

'Wow, who do I see here?’ Alex’s velvet voice filled the room and I felt a shiver down my spine. He made a few lazy steps to where I was standing so we were nearly two metres from each other. 'Hi, man’ he greeted Matt with a shake of a hand not trying to get his eyes off me.

Matt nodded and Janet dragged him to meet some people there but I didn’t care. Not when hе was in front of me.

'And Lili’ he licked his lips pronouncing it in a low tone. 'Didn’t expect you to actually come. I was sure you would hide from me’ the words were almost a whisper as he came closer to me.

'You wish’ I answered daringly. He chuckled and I thought it would be the death of me.

'No, you are wrong’ his smirk was painfully attracting. 'I have no wishes 'cause you are already here’ Alex’s black eyes were scanning me and it seemed like my heart skipped the beat. He wanted me to come and that was the most precious knowledge in this world that made me feel powerful like I’d never been.

'You are very good at coming up with a perfect lie’ I said without a blink and made my way to the Matt and Lili abruptly. I heard him making a laugh but I couldn’t handle it. That was too much.

The party was fun. I mean, everybody could consider it fun 'cause there were delicious drinks and food, good music and people rapt in conversations. But I was out of place. It was too hard to put up with Janet and Alex together for the whole evening. Their touching, their kissing, their talking. He knew I was watching and I couldn’t persuade myself to stop.

Matt had lost somewhere so when somebody suggested playing some game, I didn’t manage to escape sitting on a couch in the middle of the living room. I didn’t know the rules. I guess, there were some questions on cards and I didn’t pay attention to it until it was my turn.

'So, Lili. Now it’s time for you to answer the question. Choose the card’ Janet’s soft voice woke me up from the absolute numbness. I felt Alex’s gaze on me as well as the glances of the guests and swallowed.

I looked at the cards on the table and picked one randomly hoping it wouldn’t include something bad. But turning the card I saw a question written in small black letters.

'How was it the last time you kissed someone?’ I read it in a quiet voice feeling anxious inside. Why exactly this question? Why exactly me and why exactly there? Everybody answered some questions like “What was the last food you ate?” or “Who was your best friend at school?” and I picked exactly this. I hated those games but I knew that I had to answer.

'So, Lili?’ I heard Alex saying and met his cocky expression on the couch in front of me. He knew that he was the last who gave me a kiss and the provocation was worth it. 'We are all interested’ the cunning smile touched his lips for a moment and everybody made encouraging noises.

'Okay,’ I said confidently not leaving Alex’s eyes. I had the guts and he had to know it. 'It was less than a week ago’ I began licking my lips, feeling a desperate need to disappear. 'And, to be honest, I expected a lot from it’ Alex’s smile vanished and he was staring at me. 'But all I got was a disappointment’ a cynical smile appeared on my face. 'Because you know what?’ I gave my audience a small look returning my eyes to Alex’s. 'The guy turned out to be an asshole’.

'Was he really?’ asked Alex loudly and everybody thought it was a natural question but it was a duel.

'The worst I’ve ever seen’ the colourless tone left my lips and a moment later was lost in talks of the guests who picked up the new card and forgot about me.

But there we were, me and Alex, sitting in front of each other and staring. The smile on my face wasn’t cynical anymore. It was bitter. The joke wasn’t funny.

His black eyes were shimmering on the light of the room and looking into my soul, somewhere deep inside me. People were talking and the music was playing but I was deaf. All I could see was him and nothing around like someone cut us out and placed in some other dimension where we were alone. Me and my favourite ghost.

I lied. He wasn’t an asshole and we both knew it. It just happens sometimes that we do something even though we do know about the consequences. We just can’t handle it and let everything go, succumb to that moment and then face it. Face the reality where both of us are far away from each other despite sitting in the same room.

Suddenly I got up and felt an urge to escape from him and his glance. I went through the crowd of people and no one stopped me. But that was okay. I just wanted to be alone.

I made my way to the empty kitchen and stopped near the counter to help myself control the breath. I poured a glass of water with shaky hands and drank it as fast as I could. It all had to stop. It was becoming more than a game with his girlfriend and us in the same room. That was more than wrong and I was regretting to even appear there.

The distant voices from the rest of the house and loneliness of the kitchen enveloped me. I was staring at the counter that was seen only thanks to the light of the big window. It was dark outside and so was it inside me.

'You can’t run away from me every time’ I heard the voice behind me and closed my eyes as if trying to understand if it was real.

'So what? At least, I’m trying’ I answered in a low voice not being able to turn around and look at him.

'I don’t want you to’ Alex made a few steps to me and I could feel it as my heart quickened its pace. 'In fact, the whole evening I was fighting the urge to say that you look gorgeous today’ he said making me shiver. He was standing so close to me that I could feel the heat of his body on my back.

'Well, it happened to be that you are bad at fighting your urges’ I scoffed. 'Just leave me alone. Let’s not be overdramatic. Just as you like it’ my tone was as poisonous as his presence. I was saying all those things but my heart was begging that he would stay. I didn’t know for what. There was no reason. In fact, the right choice was the opposite.

'I can’t’ Alex whispered and his hot breath ran dangerously close to my neck. 'Blame your fucking bare legs and honey eyes’ I felt Alex’s hands on my waist tugging me closer to him, breaking the ice wall between us as he turned me around to face him.

My lips parted unintentionally when I met his black eyes once more this evening. Our foreheads met each other and I placed my trembling fingers on his chest. God forbid somebody could see us but stopping it all felt worse.

'I thought that you didn’t like honey eyes. Too sweet and boring’ my voice could be barely heard 'cause I was afraid of frightening away the moment.

'Not when it comes to you’ he answered and a playful smirk appeared on his lips before they met mine.

Alex kissed me carefully as if asking for permission and I let him lead me. Anything to last it as long as it was possible.

His hands on my waist holding me in place like I was the sculpture and he was the one to create me, giving me the best form of possible. My colours melted in his, the essence of Alex spreading inside as his soft lips were moving next to mine in some kind of weird battle where there were no rules. Just him and I in the dark kitchen in the house full of people and Janet, his girlfriend. We had no right for it but still, we did it.

'No’ I muttered. 'Please, stop torturing me’ I broke the kiss in the abrupt move feeling so small and insignificant like I had never been before. All of it was toxic.

'Okay, if you want to’ he let me go and stepped back. So easily. It felt like a mock after that intimate moment of closeness. I heard the voices from the living room again and my head finally became clear. Like there was nothing between us. Only my smashed peachy lipstick and our unsteady breathes could be considered as the evidence of what happened. But it wasn’t crucial, right? 'But you can’t deny that we both wanted it. And I know that it will happen again’ Alex came closer to me once more but I knew it wasn’t in order to kiss me this time.

'You are playing with me’ I said looking straight into his deep pupils.

'You knew about it from the beginning. And still, you are here’ Alex smirked raising his eyebrows. I didn’t know why it felt so bitter. 'You are not like anyone I’ve met but you want me just like others’ Alex’s long fingers touched the edge of my lips removing the smashed peachy lipstick. 'Perhaps, that’s one of the things that attracts me so much. And I know that no matter how far we went it’s only the beginning. The begging where you still think you can resist me’ the smile touched his lips and he exited the kitchen.

The feelings overwhelmed me and it felt like I was unable to move. Of course, he was right. It all would happen again and again. As long as he wanted it. I covered my face with my palms that became cold after losing Alex’s touch.

The voices in the living room were loud but not enough to wake me up. The kitchen was dark but not enough to hide my emotions. My heart was aching but not enough to completely destroy me. At that point, I thought screw it. That was definitely the last time he was leaving me like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was pretty long, right? The longest chapter I’ve ever written here. Hope that it was worth it.
> 
> I’m sorry for posting the chapters rarely but it’s my last year at school and I’m trying my best. Anyway, I hope that you are good and I can’t wait to find out about your opinion on this chapter. Please, let me know what you think. I love you so much, guys💕
> 
> P.S. If you had your first kiss already, what was it like? I’m just curious😉


	10. Chapter 10

Life could only be described as strange. With every day of February, I could feel it becoming more and more tangled. I didn’t know who I should have blamed for it: myself or a destiny.

But no matter who was responsible for all the things in my life, it still was complicated. I left the party at Alex’s house early that night and refused to answer any of Matt’s phone calls. He would ask about Alex and I didn’t want to talk about that. So what’s the point? I chose the strategy to hide.

That early morning I was walking my lonely road to work. Though, it felt more like wandering with my steps slow and my mind disappearing in a white morning fog. The streets were empty and it was hard to see anything even in the reach of a hand.

I liked the fog. He was hiding my loneliness and it was the thing I needed most. I wanted to disappear in it, become a ghost and don’t think about all the things I couldn’t forget. The only problem was that the fog created too much place for imagination and it felt like all my fears could appear from around the corner every passing minute.

I straightened my black coat and ran my hand through the locks of my hair feeling a little more tired than usual seeing the building of a floral shop on my way. I didn’t notice how I came here and had no actual want to come in. As if I felt something was different that day, as if… I had a presentiment.

When I opened the glass door of the shop, the conversation of two people instantly touched my ears. I couldn’t recognise the voices perfectly so I made a few steps further and froze on my spot seeing something I didn’t expect to see this early morning. What a surprise.

‘So, I was saying to her. Why don’t you just talk to Alex? He for sure had reasons for his behaviour. I mean, I was team Alex from the very beginning’ Tina was babbling fastly holding a wide pleasing smile on her crimson lips. She was touching her hair from time to time sitting at the table and discovering all the unknown details of her interlocutor with her coruscating eyes like jewels.

The person who sat across the table was gifting her with his small smile and a little mock in the corners of his mouth. The outfit was casual but not lazy as if he made an effort but just a bit. Soft anthracite hair and simple jacket with a dark shirt. Alex…

He was listening almost attentively. But I could notice he was waiting for something. His jeans were of a light tone and so was his eyes that morning. Unusual and intriguing but why there? Alex Turner in a floral shop chatting with my colleague about me. Not a usual scenario for a morning like that.

'And after that evening when you kissed her…’ Tina suddenly stuck on her words noticing my silent figure standing in the middle of the shop.

Alex’s eyes immediately turned to look at me in order to study my shape in a shameless manner. His glance had an aim to give a clear understanding that he wasn’t caught off guard because of my presence. Of course, predictable.

'Lili, darling, we were just talking here with Alex…’ Tina was mumbling something but I could look only at one person in this shop. I couldn’t even be angry at her for spilling the tea because my mind was too busy in attempts not to miss any of Alex’s movements.

'Long time no see’ his voice finally filled the air with the familiar silkiness and coloured it with tension ignoring Tina’s words. Too magical, too deceiving.

'Not long enough, though’ I snapped and caught sight of a smirk on Alex’s lips. 'To what do we owe the pleasure? I thought Mr Turner was a little too busy with himself to waste his time for the visits that will end in vain’ I didn’t even know I had so much poison to spill. Perhaps, it was my desperation doing the talking. 'Or did he come to buy some flowers for his beloved one? I’m sure, Janet will like blue roses. We have those, don’t we, Tina?’ I was trying to involve my friend but didn’t look away from Alex. With a corner of my eye, I could see a frightened Tina’s expression. She surely didn’t expect this kind of development of the situation.

'Thanks a lot for a care’ Alex stood up from his spot and made a few steps in my direction. I fought the urge to close my eyes and smell his infectious cologne. As always. 'But I came here to see you, dear’ his eyes were lustrous and tempting but it hurt too much to succumb to it.

'I am not “dear” for you’ I looked straight in his eyes and found them unreadable. How dare he?

'I thought we were past this stage’ he chuckled deliciously.

'To be past something we have to be in a progress’ I answered as harsh as I could. But judging by Alex’s smug expression, he was enjoying the conversation more than I wanted him to.

'Well, we are in a progress’ he answered simply in a creamy tone. What a fox he truly was. 'I have to admit that I missed your behaviour, Lili’ Alex reached for my hand and brought it to his lips giving a small kiss not losing our eye contact. It sent tickling shivers down my spine but this time I wasn’t fooled no matter how much I liked it.

'What are you doing here, Mr Turner?’ I put my hand in the pocket of a coat away from his lips. My tone was indifferent. His eyes flashed.

'What if I say that this morning I woke up to a sudden urge to have you by my side?’ the way he pronounced it had something unbelievable in it. My heart stopped for a moment looking at his expression. I felt the walls of the shop trying to catch me and all of a sudden I admired the free space around. Alex’s attentive glance was set on me waiting for my reaction. Tina disappeared.

'Stop the play’ I threw away the words passing him and making my way to my desk. I didn’t know how to react to his words.

In a moment I felt Alex’s abrupt move pressing me to the edge of the desk. His hands touched the wooden surface capturing me with no intention to let go.

'What I said was true’ he whispered softly leaning to me which felt too intimate as I was trying to hold my balance and not to fall on the desk. Alex’s face was a few inches from mine and I could study the lines of it losing myself in the process.

'I don’t care if it’s true’ I whispered back and our hot unsteady breathes mixed giving me an obsessive feeling that all of it was too much to handle.

'You lie’ Alex pronounced in a half-mocking tone but his eyes were surprisingly serious.

'Let me go’ I ignored it.

'You don’t want me to’ his breath lingered on my plum lips and I was praying to the sensation not leave me.

'You are too smug’ I answered resisting the urge to let him win. 'I know, you said that all of it between us would happen again and again because I couldn’t resist you’ I could feel his cold hands on wood next to me and it felt like his touch could fix everything. But it was just an illusion. 'And now you are here because you were certainly right in that moment. But I did have some time for rethinking’ his features sharpened. 'You hurt me and it can’t last forever. With every day it becomes worse and worse’ Our current position broke the rules of any distance and being this close meant only to speak the truth.'I understood that no matter what effect you have on me, I don’t want to be your temporary girl, Alex’ I breathed heavily swallowing something painful in my throat as his name slipped off my tongue with a pleasurable sensation like a habit of mine. His eyes focused on me intensely darkening with every second. I knew he didn’t expect that and that was my move now.

The time stopped around. Maybe, it was a small delay before the explosion. Maybe, it was just us being too dramatic because of our feelings. People are fond of making their lives some far-fetched movies. With all that pathos and inflated sentences. Or, perhaps, were all movies just out far-fetched lives?

'What if I can’t promise you an eternity?’ Alex looked deeply into my honey irises and I felt numb. Eternity? Such a strange word.

'I don’t ask for eternity’ I furrowed my brows unintentionally. 'I ask you not to break my heart. And that’s the thing you can’t promise me in the first place’ I broke our eye contact and lost my sight on the floor of the flower shop. The peachy rose was laying on it near Tina’s desk probably left by accident and it felt like something else was left here.

I felt his hands losing their grip and his body leaving mine in a slow movement. What a bitter relief, I thought. He turned away and left me observing his spine.

'So, you want me to leave?’ Alex’s voice made me deaf for a moment. Did I really want him to go? No. But staying wasn’t the right choice. 'That’s all we could have? A couple of kisses and some poisonous conversations?’ he turned to look at me and I saw his eyes darkening. 'Don’t make this another February disappointment’.

'You are with Janet, you can’t promise me anything and there is nothing to make a disappointment from’ I said as indifferently as I could refusing to look at him. Maybe, it was my weakness, maybe a foolish fear that I would lose again. 'I don’t understand what you are doing here’.

'I came for you’ he almost snapped. 'I wanted to see you no matter what. This tune of yours is something I somehow got used to and don’t want to let go. Don’t you feel it?’ the tone of his voice was sincere somehow and that was the most painful detail. 'Look at me, Lili’ Alex’s fingers brushed my chin and made me look into his dark deep pupils.

There was something about his eyes that I just couldn’t forget. They were judging, forgiving, deceiving and seducing with all those star dots hiding in an all-consuming deepness. I was just a small child looking at the big night sky above me, reaching a hand to touch but never succeeded. Maybe, I just lost a hope to do it.

'Please, leave now so we can pretend you’ve got the wrong address and this floral shop on the crossroads has nothing to do with you’ I pronounced in a low tone from under my eyelashes watching something similar to regret colouring his irises.

'That’s definitely your style’ a weak smile painted his features. No sign of anger on Alex’s face. That smile was something you could live for. 'I’ll go if you want so’ Alex pronounced slowly. 'But first…’ he leaned closer holding my chin in an attempt to kiss me and I closed my eyes as if succumbing to his charms. But in the last moment, I turned my head away from him hearing the small chuckle with my protest.

For a second we were silent and I knew it wasn’t for good. But the only thing Alex did was kissing my cheek in a gentle touch of his lips. In that touch, I felt a small “goodbye” that both of us were unsure of. No, it definitely couldn’t be the finale. But it should have been.

'Walk me to the door?’ Alex’s smirk wasn’t exactly “his”. It was too soft and that was so unfamiliar. What a pity I had to refuse to be acquainted with it.

'Sure’ I swallowed. I just had to wait for a little before he left and then everything would be right. Unhappy but right. The only thing was that it seemed like we were trying to prolong the time of sharing the same space. Not even an air, but just space.

He hesitated for a moment before opening the door and looked into my eyes. Our glances danced between us not wanting to let go.

'So, how about that writing thing?’ he asked suddenly and it seemed like the most inappropriate question in the world.

'It’s good’ I smiled softly forgetting about my strategy to be rude with him. It’s just everything felt so bitter and funny at the same time as we were some characters in a tragicomedy. 'I’m working on a novel’

'I’m glad you do. I always knew that there would be something’ Alex answered with a small charming smile and not waiting for my answer, stepped on the street.

His slim figure was a little unclear in a white fog and I forced my eyes to explore my suede shoes. Why? Didn’t want to see him leaving.

At that moment I thought I could pretend I didn’t know him. Pretending is something we can all learn how to do. We just have to take a few courses and everything will be all right, won’t it?

Despite my inner fight, I raise my glance in an irresistible desire to look at Alex once more. But in the thick white mysterious fog, he was already nowhere to be seen.

A deep sigh left my lungs and I closed the door of the shop leaning on a cold glass of it. I felt a strong headache building in my head as I poisoned my mind with a memory of his last glance.

I pressed my fingertips to the place on the doorknob where Alex’s hand had held it just a couple of minutes before but didn’t feel his touch. Maybe, it was for the better.

'Lili?’ I heard Tina’s voice and turned my head to see her standing not far away from me with a confused expression. 'Don’t say that you told him to leave’.

'I did’ I muttered almost mindlessly.

'But why?’ her voice was worried and caring but it meant nothing.

'Because there is something we usually call “right”. Doesn’t matter if someone is hurt. It’s just the way it has to be’.

'What are you talking about? Are you crazy? He came here for you! And that’s definitely because he feels something’ my friend seemed almost angry but I bet she didn’t understand the situation properly. I watched her frowning at me as the daylight was revealing her bright, despite the weather, colours.

'So what?’ I almost mocked. Everything felt funny in a bad way. 'Alex feels something now but that’s not for long. He said I am his favourite song of this February. And the key word is “February”, Tina’ my pained expression caught her off guard.

'So, you think that what happens in February stays in February?’ she asked me a little unsure with her raised eyebrows.

'Unfortunately, it does’ I sighed sliding down the door to sit on the floor. My legs suddenly felt cottonwool and too weak to handle the pressure of my emotions.

'So what will you do now?’ she asked softly and carefully sitting beside me. I saw the gold glitter of her eye shadows and that was so spring-like somehow.

'I will go home and write about it. About every detail, I saw and felt today. Because there is no other way to handle it’ I was playing with the hem of my coat mindlessly. 'There is no chance I can get over it, not with him. And I know it. But I’ll surely try’ I turned my glance to look at Tina and saw her understanding eyes observing my face. She opened her mouth to say something but it never happened.

Doing the right things isn’t fun, is it? But it gives us a clear conscience and the right to say at the end of the day that we have nothing to do with the consequences. Is it worth it? You never know for sure. I understood it just the moment he went away through that door.

The spring was standing on the threshold but was unsure to come in and we were numb to let her in. The closer she was, the better we understood that the truth was the opposite to what we were trying to reassure ourselves in. It was the winter we really wanted to stay.

Sitting on the floor of a floral shop I was understanding it better than I had ever had. The dust was flying in the room and I wanted that February to last forever. Or, at least, several more centuries. 'Cause, unfortunately, I somehow got used to the thought that the spring would actually never come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! How is it going? A new chapter, sorry for taking it so long😥 Having a lot on my plate this year, but trying my best. Please, let me know what you think about the chapter. Do you think Lili made the right choice?  
> Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it💕 Love you all!💟
> 
> P.S.Guys, does anybody want to make a cover for my fic or something like a mood board? I would be very thankful if you did:3


	11. Chapter 11

I was his. It's one of the things that you just can't really understand without feeling it. And I did. I felt it even better when he left because it's one of life's best tricks: to finally understand something when it's over.

But the fact was the fact and I couldn't do anything about it. I was his on the streets, his at home and his in my mind. My mind, perhaps, was the main problem because it always created the thoughts I wanted desperately to get rid of and that definitely didn't help.

I called Matt the next day after Alex's visit and told him everything. We both agreed that it would be better to stay away from each other for a while until things would become easier. However, I didn't believe it was possible so "for a while" actually felt like "for months".

The news was that I was progressing in my novel. Fun fact: the more you suffer, the better you write. This unspoken rule got me sitting behind my desk and tapping on  
a typewriter for hours. How funny.

I have to admit that writing was the only thing keeping me from breaking down completely. I lied to Tina that I caught flu so the owner of the floral shop gave me a vacation. Tina tried to phone me a couple of times after that but I pretended not to notice it. I locked myself in my apartment for a few days and thank God I hated crying. Because it all was risking to become a classical drama with sadness, goodbyes and tears. Couldn't stand it.

When the third evening of my isolation came, I thought that it was enough. I couldn't get over Alex sitting at home and that wasn't a solution to the problem. So the best idea I came up with was to go to the bar. I hadn't been there for some time after meeting Alex and now it seemed like the best option to spend the evening. Just in order to create an illusion that everything was totally okay.

That cold evening I stepped on the threshold of the bar and caught a feeling of déjà vu floating around me as a smell of nostalgia was flying in the air. That was where I had spent nearly all my evenings before meeting Alex. That was what I came back to.

The music was light on the background, people were laughing and chatting sipping some alcohol and promising each other things that they would never do. I was one of them, I could feel it. But at the same time, it seemed like I had never been so distant from people until that evening.

I sat at the bartender as usual feeling that every move was habitual, learned and the dim lights were surprisingly calming.

'Lili, haven't seen you for a few weeks' Jack, the barman, greeted me with a pleasant smile and a glint in his pupils. Yeah, he was one of the habitual details of my bar evenings. How long ago those evenings felt to be.

'Hi' I said almost automatically with my face neutral. I knew that I was always unfair to Jack because he was probably a nice person but... That was the wrong atmosphere to be friends and share some useless conversations. 'Give me something to drink, please'.

'Of course' his smile widened and I was confused about how he always managed to stay calm when I was almost rude every time. 'I'll make you a cocktail. How are you doing, by the way?' Jack was looking at me attentively and expectantly with a pure interest as if I had something important to say. And I didn't.

'Well, you see, I am here to forget the answer to this question. Not to talk about it' my voice was bored somehow and I felt that it was too much when Jack's expression lost its positivity. 'But I am writing a novel, actually' I pronounced a moment later not wanting to make him upset. That mood was already mine and I didn't plan to share it.

'Oh, congratulations' he grinned at me again and that was better. 'I know that you had a lot of trouble with it but I'm glad that you finally do what you like. Send me a copy when you finish?' Jack winked at me joking around and a shadow of a smile touched my lips. Well, why not?

'Sure' I answered making a small sip of my cocktail feeling relieved. Maybe, I could put up with this evening somehow. 'What is the news here?' I asked mindlessly not even interested in the answer. A saxophone on the background was dizzying my head and I just wanted to forget about everything.

'Oh, the news' Jack smirked but it wasn't like I wanted it. Of course, only one person was capable of doing it the way I liked it. Or, perhaps, that's what I thought. 'There are actually some interesting things happening around'.

'Like what?'

'Well, we have a new owner, there is a gallery opening down the street, our usual customer Casey won a million in a lottery and it seems like Alex Turner broke up with his beautiful girlfriend' the barman dropped casually and I froze on my spot. The cocktail in my hand remained halfway to my mouth and I thought I was unable to breathe.

'What? How do you know that?' I was trying to act as calm as possible but my hands started shaking. Not good.

'About what?' Jack's emerald eyes were confused with my sudden interest and an awkward smile appeared on his lips.

'About... About Alex Turner' I pronounced his name like it was some poison. Perhaps, it really was.

'Oh, about that. His group had a concert here last night and the gossips were spreading really fast. You see, working as a barman has some peculiarities. You hear some things even if you don't want to hear them' he chuckled and I was staring at him impatiently. 'So I heard his friend, Matt, I assume, telling it some girl called Alice near the bartender'.

So... I knew that he wanted to break up with Janet. He told me it on Matt's birthday party but I didn't expect it to be so soon. Alex did it after our conversation in the floral shop so what if... I was the reason? No, no, no, no. It wasn't possible at all. I shouldn't have made a fool of myself so easily.

'Do you know him or something?' Jack asked focused on polishing the cocktail glasses. I laughed without a note of fun in my voice.

'No, not really. We've met at some party once but nothing more' yeah, that's how it should be. It was for the better not to tell anyone about us. And was there even "us"? Never.

'Oh, cool' Jack's mood was the opposite of mine that evening and I didn't even know how we could end up having that talk. 'You know, I like Alex Turner' he said out of nowhere. 'I mean, yeah, he is a heartbreaker and the girls like Janet are too good to dump. But I'm sure that's not because he is a bad person' the barman spoke in the process of making cocktails like we were discussing the weather. I couldn't help but listen to his thoughts.

'Than why do you think he does it?' I asked Jack trying not to show too much interest but failed at "he".

'Because it's the way he is. People have flaws and that one is his: trying not to make everything too serious or maybe, even being afraid of it. And I wouldn't judge for that. I mean, I see a lot of people here every day and he is just not like others. In all the ways possible, including relationships' I bet that Jack thought it was a casual conversation about some man that we were both not really attached to. But for me, it was something like a new way to understand someone who I was so mad about. I had never heard someone speaking about Alex, except Matt.

To be honest, Jack was right but... Yes, he certainly wasn't like others but did he have a right to play with my heart? I was alive too and had feelings, even though it seemed like without him it made no sense.

'By the way, speaking of Alex Turner. Looks like here he is' Jack nodded behind my back and I felt a shiver down my spine with his words. The world melted in front of me and suddenly I was scared. No, I wasn't ready to face him.

I turned my head in an unsure move and my eyes immediately saw Alex entering the bar looking calm and serious as nothing could actually bother him that evening. His movements were simple but mesmerising, his clothes were styled but lazy on him. Or was it just me?

The air became heavier to breathe and the dim lights of the bar felt too bright to handle. The melting world around remained only his figure clear and the sound of the saxophone left me deaf for a long moment. I thought that I wouldn't see him so soon so I wasn't prepared. I was stuck looking at Alex and couldn't do anything about it.

He raised a glance from his boots slowly and then my honey eyes met his. The sparkles in them could be seen even from the distance as Alex made no effort to cover the fact that he wasn't surprised to see me. His shirt was of a sand colour under the jacket and his anthracite hair was a little messy but still in place. Damn me for noticing so many details. Inexcusably. I should have looked away but that was literally impossible.

He was entering the bar for what seemed like hours or it was what the moment lasted in my jello-like world. I noticed Alex was making his way to the bartender where I sat and I turned around mumbling to Jack:

'I think it's already late so I have to go'.

Jack looked at me surprised clearly not understanding the sudden change of my behaviour. There was no time to explain so I got up from my spot turning around only to hit my head in Alex's stone chest. Marvellous.

'One minute in the same building with me and you are already trying to escape. I have to say that I expected more from you' a soft caramel tone touched my ears and I raise my head finding a pair of obsidian sparkling eyes and a shameless smirk.

'Maybe, that's just because I can't stand your presence' I snapped and wanted to pass him but he suddenly caught my wrist. My breath was unsteady when his cold fingers touched my skin.

'Oh, yeah, I truly believe every word you say' Alex said smirking daringly looking straight into my eyes as if it was an easy thing to do. His hot breath was tickling my neck. Too close. 'You can't run away and you know it. Don't be a fool, sit back and have a drink. Let's be friends tonight' he made a loud accent on the word "friends" and I knew it was a mock. His eyes laughed at me.

'Fine' I finally managed to say sitting on my seat behind the bartender again. All of that felt like a play.

Alex grinned winningly sitting beside and letting go of my wrist. That's the thing I regretted.

'Hi, Jack' Alex greeted with a small smile shaking barman's hand. 'A glass of whiskey, please. I'm no good today' he sighed not losing a smile but something similar to tiredness coloured his cheeks. I haven't seen anything like that on him before and it felt weird.

'What happened?' I muttered unsure of our current position of pretending to be friends. He chuckled looking down at his glass.

'I thought you had already heard the news' Alex looked up at me and his glance was unreadable. I noticed his hand laying on the wooden surface not far from me and that detail was intoxicating somehow.

'What news?' smooth, Lili, smooth. Like he was that stupid.

'Nice try' Alex smirked at me taking a sip but I haven't heard a mock in his tone. Was he... Upset? That sounded unbelievable. 'You surely know that I've broken up with Janet so no need to act all innocent about it'.

'Okay, fair enough' I said giving him a "whatever" look. I wanted to ask Alex millions of questions but the words mixed up in my head and I couldn't help it. 'So, that's why Mr Tuner is so unlike him today, all sad and dramatic?' couldn't resist asking Alex about the reasons. Those damn reasons.

'Sad and dramatic?' Alex laughed in a humourless way. 'No, of course not. I am always the bad guy in the situation and as you know, bad guys can't be sad and dramatic' the sarcasm painted his features and I swallowed. Fingers of his tapped on the glass of whiskey mindlessly mesmerising me.

'You know, jokes aside but if you feel bad about it, then you love her' I shivered stating what seemed like a fact. Suddenly everything felt so unfamiliar and cold. He looked so welcoming to touch but I seemed to be kilometres away now.

'I feel bad not because I love her. We had a good time together but it wasn't love' his black eyes were pinned on me and I thought I could see some part of his soul. Somewhere deep inside the galaxies of orbs. 'I feel bad about the fact that everybody makes me the worst person in the world for breaking up the things with a girl I didn't want to lie to' Alex's tone was soft and sharp simultaneously. I wondered how he could make it suitable for every word he was saying. Pure art.

'I didn't mean to' I defended myself staying calm under his gaze. Well, more or less.

'Oh, please. Spare me the apology in your tone' he rolled his eyes and I felt uncomfortable. I pulled the hem of my dress to give my fingers a distraction but it didn't help much.

'Okay, but why did you do this? I mean, why now?' I asked stopping my breath and looking at him expectantly.

'Like you don't know'.

'I don't'.

'Why do you lie so often?' Alex cocked an eyebrow at me and the playful manner of it made me even more nervous. Please, remind me, why did I even stay? 'You know perfectly why'.

'No, you tell me' throw the phrase at him seriously. I was afraid and excited about the answer at once. Couldn't decide if it would save my heart or ruin the last hopes I had.

'Look at you' he smiled at me softly leaning closer to me. In a moment fingers of his were playing with the hem of my dress and I didn't know what to do. Everything around was blurred except his face. 'Trying to make me admit the truth about my dramatic break-up. How cunningly of you' Alex's mint breath was burning my face as he was only centimetres away. His creamy tone was making my head spin while his fingers were making their way up and down the hem. 'Don't you think it's a little too much for people who became friends only ten minutes ago?' he was laughing at me again but this time I saw something else in his eyes.

'We are not friends' I said without blinking. The warmness of his body so close to me.

'You are right' he grinned at me and that was a signal of danger. 'That's why I'm not afraid to answer your question. I may be a heartbreaker but I'm not a liar' he took a look on the hem of my dress in his fingers smirking and finally focused on my eyes. I was going to explode. 'We broke up because she asked me why I had been so distant recently' his eyes held mine. 'Why I had acted so differently' the sharpness of Alex's features was mind-blowing. 'What I had been thinking about every time she had caught me out of place' the time stopped. 'And I said...' his breath was heavy.

'I said it was you to blame for it'.

The bar around was filled with conversations and laughs of people but I couldn't hear a single sound. The colours of the evening faded and became nothing in comparison to Alex's astonishing words. He was sincere today and I could feel it with all my essence. My nightmare and my daydream was staring at me exploring my face, travelling my features and I was stunned by the moment we were sharing.

The seconds and minutes couldn't be counted. That's how long our staring contest went on. There were no losers and no winners and I was sure we barely knew the rules. Perhaps, we didn't give a fuck about them.

'One more glass of whiskey?' Jack suddenly interrupted the duel of glances we had and both of us turned away from each other in an instinct not to be caught. Alex's hand left the hem of my dress.

'No, thank you. I think that for today it is enough' Alex pronounced calmly and Jack's emerald eyes widened a little in the realisation that Alex and I were havening a rather unusual conversation. In a moment he came back to taking orders.

'So, looks like you got your truth. The answer is more than satisfying' Alex looked at me and his eyes were saturated like the depth of the ocean. His tone was filled with a lazy mock. 'The thing is only that you don't know what to do with it' he was reading me like a book that evening and I felt nude. 'And I won't ask much for my little revelation' his expression softened and the voice almost a whisper. 'But does it cost at least a possibility of me walking you home?' the question got my heart beating mind-blowingly fast as Alex's hand was waiting for mine in the graceful gesture and there was something between the greatest seriousness and the biggest deception on his face. It was easy to fell for both.

'What is the point of it?' my voice was uneven and incredulous. I still couldn't believe in his good intentions.

'The point is to spend ten more minutes with you' Alex answered with a smile, such a pleasant smile to look at. There was something in his eyes that felt surprisingly vulnerable and I wondered if it was only for me or an old good trick to persuade the girl. I was afraid it was the second.

'What if I say "no"?' I asked calmly but my voice was confident. It was so unusual to feel like a had a sudden control of the situation. Or was it an illusion?

'No?' he suddenly chuckled as the extended hand of his fell to his side. The smirk was having its way back to his handsome features.

'Kind of unexpected for you Mr Tuner? I say no' my tone was harsh again and I was glad for it.

'A good move' he stated with a look of an expert not loosing his playful mood. 'But remember...' Alex's velvet voice came to a whisper once more this evening and the golden flames danced in his pupils. 'Remember that I am not the one to give up when I want something. And you have no idea how much I really want you' he gave me a smug look licking his lips cunningly. I felt that today there was no winner. Yes, I rejected him but he surely found the words to be on the same level.

In the next moment, he turned away and put the money on the bartender marking his intention to leave. Jack collected the money giving both of us a rather confused or even an amused look.

'Had a nice time talking. Good night, Lili' Alex winked at me and I held myself from blushing. Good job.

Can you imagine? There he was, Mr Perfect in all his undeniable glory with the looks and the magical essence. But there was also me with all the hundreds of flaws and a minute ago he said that he wanted me. That was overwhelming.

'Good night, friend' I couldn't resist making the accent on that the most inappropriate word between us. Alex grinned in response appreciating the mock and disappeared in the crowd. The scent of him refused to leave me that evening.

'So...' I heard the voice of Jack behind me. 'You are saying you don't know Alex Turner' his emerald eyes giggled at me when I faced him. What a fail of my lie.

'I have no idea what you are talking about' I couldn't wipe a foolish smile off my face.

'Right' the barman answered smiling too. 'Another cocktail?'

'Two would be better'.

The night was replacing the evening as the bar was living its life without noticing it. The music was playing, the people were talking and I was thinking about everything I experienced that day.

The cocktail in my hand was sweet like I wanted it, the eyes of Jack were green like I always remembered it and the smirk of Alex was so inviting like I even didn't dare to expect. It was the first of March but that wasn't as important as it seemed to be even a week ago.

That day in the crowded bar and a certain someone on my mind I, at last, needed no spring to feel alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! How about the vulnerable Alex? Didn't expect the new chapter so soon since my recent habit, did you? That's what your love and support do to me😘 I felt really inspired and wrote the continuation.
> 
> Please, tell me your thoughts on it 'cause it's the main thing that keeps me writing. I hope that you are okay these days. Remember that I love you, thanks a lot for everything😊💕💕


	12. Chapter 12

What a trick life felt to be. One day you spend your time writing novels and thinking that nothing can ever help. The next day you hear that you are wanted by the person you are mad about. That kind of things leave you without a sense of reality and you wander the streets looking for your lost self.

Alex promised not to give up because he wanted me and wasn't it actually the most fantastic thing he could say? Perhaps, I had a very good dream and somehow believed in it. There was no other logical explanation for the words that left Alex's lips in the bar that evening. Or maybe, I just couldn't see a simple truth.

March came quickly but it felt like the time was going really slow. That was probably because it had been a week since our last meeting with Alex in the bar when I understood that no matter what dreams I had, they wouldn't be the reality as fast as I wanted. The whole week I didn't hear anything from Alex and that was torturing me.

Obsessive thoughts started spinning in my mind. Did he forget about me just like I imagined he would? The only difference is that when you imagine it in your head it seems not as painful as it is in reality. Well, it appeared to be that I wasn't ready for that kind of scenario.

However, life was going its way sometimes forgetting to notify me of it. That evening I was working on a new novel all alone in my apartment and the work seemed to be going pretty good. I even planned to go to publishing soon. It was such a strange thing for me only because I got used to a writer's block routine so much that the progress in writing felt like a miracle.

In fact, I was writing but my thoughts were flying somewhere very far from the table and typewriter. They were wandering on the roofs of the dark streets of the city looking for someone who was silent for a week and it actually felt like ages.

Feeling a cold March wind blowing in the open window, I stood up from my chair and looked out. The street above was silent and dark but the scent of the spring was flying in the air intoxicating me with a feeling of poetical loneliness. It was pleasant and sad at the same time to be all alone on one of March's evenings. Something about that thought made me stay near the window so I sat on my window pane and looked down the street.

At first, I hadn't noticed anything. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that it was hard to focus. But in one of the moments of thinking my eyes caught a walking figure at the end of the street and I felt my heart racing all of a sudden. Of course, it was definitely him.

Alex was walking down the street like it was some kind of routine that I somehow hadn't known about until that evening. All of his movements were lazy but mesmerising keeping the same not very fast but not a slow rhythm. His expression was a little bored but relaxed as if Alex didn't care about anything at all. The cigarette in his hand was almost burned out and it seemed to be lit up a long time ago. The posture of his looked too natural in the dark of the evening.

His hair seemed soft but still anthracite, darker than the evening. I felt an obsessive feeling to touch it but that felt impossible even after he stopped near my building. Was I dreaming or something?

As an answer to my question, a moment later Alex threw away the cigarette and came in the block of flats of mine without any hesitation. I hold my breath. Honestly, I didn't know what to do.

Something got into me and I rushed to the door as if trying to protect it. A foolish reaction of a person who was afraid of desirable happiness that could come through that door. But I didn't know what to do. However, I had no time to think because the minute I rushed to the door, the doorbell rang.

'Yes?' I asked as loudly as I could not opening the door as if I didn't expect anybody and had no actual idea that Alex was standing near the door. Well done, Lili.

'I can give you some time to pretend that you haven't seen me entering the building, of course. But what's fun in that?' I heard a smooth smug voice of his on the other side of the door and rolled my eyes at myself. Damn it, how could he see me?

'Hi' I greeted Alex in a neutral tone opening the door and meeting a pair of his sparkling eyes observing, exploring my posture.

'You know, I caught a feeling of déjà vu when you opened the door' he smiled casually coming in the apartment shamelessly and closing the door behind him.

'Sometimes it's not very pleasant feeling' I answered quietly but just enough for Alex to hear that today I wasn't about to show him my hospitality.

'Oh, I'm sure that this one you like' the grin painted his lips and two black eyes pinned me to the wall.

'Stop it' I said annoyingly. It wasn't like I didn't enjoy it. It's just I was angry he appeared out of nowhere after a long week of silence. 'Don't you want to explain what you want from me at this kind of hour?'

'Oh, everything is very simple, my dear. I just came to see you' his voice was honey sweet with a hint of teasing and I had to admit that it was strangely pleasing.

'That's kind of interesting' I scoffed. 'Are you aware of the fact that people usually make visits at day and when they are invited?' a fake smile appeared on my face and I was glad I had guts to act so distant.

'I don't like everything connected with "usually"' Alex answered simply returning my smile. Right, that was what our conversations always were. 'That is the reason you like me so much' he grinned playfully.

'Stop pretending that you know everything' I said annoyed.

'Then stop pretending that you haven't been waiting for me to come' the colours of seriousness appeared on his face and I stared at Alex silently not having the courage to say something. It felt like the line between a joke and reality was crossed too soon and the air was suddenly cold around us.

'Because it's not true' I answered as confidently as I could even though it was the biggest lie on the planet.

'Okay, I believe you with all my heart' Alex frowned at me sarcastically. 'Why don't you just show me around your apartment? Last time I didn't really have a chance since you kicked me out' he gave me a small smile and I was glad he didn't push the subject. Just not now.

'If it's the only way to make you go' I answered in a boring way like there was no awkward moment of silence between us.

'Wait a little and you'll need to come up with the way to make me stay' Alex winked teasingly and made his way to my room without waiting for my response. I sighed heavily not being sure why I let Alex do what he wanted and followed his figure as if it was the most natural thing I could do.

'Well, well, well' Alex announced entering the room. 'A real writer working place. I have to admit, I feel like I am in a museum'.

'Very funny, Mr Turner' I rolled my eyes. I didn't fail to notice how his form penetrated in my almost dark room.

It was actually very weird to see Alex there. It felt like some kind of movie where the main character comes but doesn't stay. Would he stay? My bad, I shouldn't have thought about it.

'What are those papers? Your book?' He ignored my caustic comment walking to my working table.

'Oh, no, don't touch it!' I spat out a little too suspicious when his fingers touched the papers. Alex chuckled.

'Now I feel even more intrigued' his face turned into the sly one and I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't want Alex to read it because... Well, there was a lot about him.

'That's none of your business' I pronounced seriously looking straight into his eyes. A sparkle lit up there for a second.

'You know, I like things that are none of my business' he answered smugly. 'But whatever' I felt a slight relief. 'You have a guitar?' I saw him being a little bit confused seeing a black acoustic guitar standing in the corner of my room.

'Yeah, I kind of do'.

'Please, don't say that you can play it. A girl like you playing the guitar is a tasteless thing to do' I didn't know if he was joking or talking seriously. It seemed like the whole words exchange between us was a complete tragicomedy dialogue. Not a random way to make a conversation.

'No, as a matter of a fact, I can't play it. Actually, I don't even remember where I got it from' I told him truthfully and that was the first normal-like thing we had ever shared.

'Thank God' he made a fake sigh of relief and that was my turn to chuckle. 'But may I try it?' he asked. Alex's glance was an excited one that moment. I wasn't sure if I had a chance to see that look before.

'Yeah, why not?' I hold a small smile. Didn't want him to see me enjoying all of it.

'This is a nice one' he gave a verdict sitting on my bed with a guitar in his hands and feeling the strings above his fingers. I envied it.

'So, you are a musician' I stated out of nowhere as an invitation to know him better. He raised an almost astonishing look at me and the lines of his face were perfect on the small amount of light we had.

'Yes, I thought you knew with all the gossips and newspapers pathos'.

'I don't have somebody to hear gossips from and I don't know anything about things I am not interested in' I said simply. Why was it so pleasing to be with him in the same room?

'So, you are not interested in me?' Alex grinned giving me one of the best of his digs and I shivered knowing that the truth was hanging in the air. A simple nightdress I had on appeared to be not a suitable option for that evening.

'Maybe, you would just cut it and play something? Didn't have a chance to appreciate your talent' even though my voice was a little poisonous, I felt uneasy. Alex was going the wrong road with all those questions and I was scared it would turn out as a disaster for both of us.

'Okay, if the lady wants it' he made a small laugh at my usual uncertainty saturating the room with his velvety voice. 'I wrote this song a few years ago but you kind of reminded me of it'.

Alex's fingers touched the strings again and a beautiful melody started spreading around us and reaching the furthest corners of the room. I almost blushed for a second of understanding that I was the subject of his thoughts and it was like walking on the edge of the roof.

'I am not the kind of fool who's gonna sit and sing to you about stars, girl...'

With the first words of the song, the clock on the wall stopped. Just like the in the best rare moments, we had together, the moments I felt so alive.

'But last night I looked up into the dark half of the blue and they'd gone backwards...'

Alex was smirking at me through the song he was playing but there was something dreamy about his glance. Standing on the thresh hold of my room I couldn't take my eyes off of the way he was.

'Something in your magnetism must have pissed them off  
Forcing them to get an early night  
I have been searching from the bottom to the top...'

I knew that Alex wasn't real for sure. He just couldn't be. With all that appearance and intoxicating essence. He was created in my head, written by me on the white papers of my old typewriter and someone helped him to sneak in reality. I had to say million "thank you" for that crazy someone.

'For such a sight as the one I caught when I saw your...  
Fingers dimming the lights  
Like you're used to being told that you're trouble...'

I didn't know what Alex Turner was doing in my apartment so late that evening but I was glad he was there. From any places in the world, from so many people. There, with me, infecting me with just a thought of his presence.

'And I spent all night  
Stuck on the puzzle...'

Was that a dream? Because he was singing and singing and it felt like the night had no end. Alex's was voice was soft and full of hidden feelings. The sounds of his song were flying through the open window into the darkness of the sleeping city and he held my eyes. I couldn't catch the next lyrics.

'And I thought I'd seen the light  
But oh, no  
I was just stuck on the puzzle  
Stuck on the puzzle...'

The melody dried up and that was when I could finally hear again. The cold wind brought a scent of a long-promised spring and Alex got up from his spot placing the guitar where it had been standing before.

His eyes met mine for once again this evening. Deep and unexplored, Alex's glance travelled around my body and he made a few steps to where I was standing. My breath went unsteady almost instantly.

'Come here' he whispered in a soft voice. Standing a few metres away from him I wasn't sure what I had to do. He had tortured me for so many times that I was afraid it was just another one.

'Why would I do that?' I asked him trying to calm the nerves inside me and unsurely backed up to the window. He smirked a little at my horrible attempts to escape from him in such an inappropriate place.

'Come on, Lili. We've been playing this game for too long now' Alex followed me to the window and stood on the distance of arm's length from me. I got too nervous.

'Maybe, "too long" is not enough since you come and go when you want' I made a sharp remark feeling him so close to me, just enough to touch.

'Don't worry, darling. I've missed you too' he gave a small grin gifting me with a slight touch of his cold fingertips somewhere near my shoulder. Missed? Impossible. A familiar impulse ran through my skin like a feeling of receiving a desirable gift. The effect Alex had on me couldn't be compared to anything.

'How do you know for sure that I've missed you?' not a daring question, just out of curiosity.

'It's easy to answer' he smirked enigmatically. 'Because I hear your breath fastening it's speed every time I go a step closer to you' a half-whispered voice of his touched my skin as Alex made one more step to me and stopped near a millimetre away from my body. I swallowed. It was when I felt how fed up I am with fighting the urge to feel him.

'You know that I can kick you out any time?' I asked him breathing heavily and not being able to gather my thoughts properly. I should have been angry, I should have told him to go away. But his scent was spinning my head and I couldn't do anything about it.

'Then why don't you?' he cocked an eyebrow daringly. Alex's eyes were too close not to notice the deep shades of it.

'I guess I am too tired of being afraid to be made unhappy by you' I told him quietly. Alex smelled like cigarettes that day. How did I even notice?

'I can't promise you that I won't hurt you...' he whispered too close to my lips. Just a simple movement and we could touch. 'But I can't let you tell me to go because I have a painful desire to kiss you right now' the eyes of his went the darkest shade possible drowning in the atmosphere of a lonely March night. It was when I felt my heart beating faster then it was physically possible. It was such a cliche but I knew I would die If he hadn't touched my lips.

'Then hurt me' I answered confidently breathing the last air I had and turning off all of my worries. Screw it. 'But just for this one night...' something hidden revealed itself in his eyes. A spark of the most precious glance I've ever seen. I guess, he didn't believe what I've said. Maybe, I didn't believe it too.

But no matter what I thought that moment, it all vanished when Alex looked at me for the last time and the lights of the sleeping city reflected in his inky pupils. A silent caught us and the soft lips of his touched mine.

The two confident arms circled my waist and I gave up thinking. I raised my hand carefully and touched Alex's cheek drawing a line of his sharp cheekbone. Surreal, untrue, unbelievable. He couldn't kiss me like he wanted me. He couldn't hold me like I meant something.

Alex's hands were cold, I could feel it for sure through my night dress. But his breath was burning when he left my lips and made a road of kisses on my neck. I had to grab a collar of his shirt in order to be closer, like the touch wasn't enough. I guess, nothing was enough with him and I wondered if I was the only one who felt that way.

Alex let me show how much I wanted that moment to be real, kiss him and unbutton his shirt like I had any right to do that. I wasn't afraid anymore, I just wanted to kiss him until the death of the time comes and that was the only thought I could keep clear. Alex was the disease I had no treatment for and I let myself a weakness not to fight.

Though I had to remember that it was just for one night, his touch was so careful and gentle... How couldn't it be eternal? How could the time go in its habitual way? How could the world live its life when he was kissing me like that?

You know, they say that the regrets are always left for the mornings and maybe I had to find out if that was true. However, at that moment it felt as far as a furthest known galaxy.

The window was open but the fresh cold air couldn't clear my thoughts. The world was dead and the time was my worst enemy. There were only two of us and a cold March night. The first night in my life when I was begging the morning not to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. I'm always bad at apologising for the very big breaks between the chapter but I'm still alive. Or should I say dead because I'm passing my final school exams? I hope that you are doing well and that you enjoyed the new chapter. As always, I love you and I am very thankful for your feedback so please, tell me what you think. Whoever you are, thank you for existing😘💕💕
> 
> P.S. I wrote a one-shot songfic called "My Mardy Bum" not a very long time ago so I would be very thankful if you checked that out and told me your opinion. Thank you in advance!
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550906


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